Margin

Healthy marriages need margin! If Shirley and I had a blanket that barely came to the edges of our bed, we would be pulling it off of each other all night. With a blanket that comes to the floor on each side of the bed, we have margin that assures we will both stay covered all night.

Margin in relationships is created when people are willing to do more than they must - do more work, show more mercy, communicate more, and exercise more patience.

A 50/50 relationship will break down into disagreements over tiny details. We will argue over where my 50 ends and your 50 starts. It will further break down in times of illness or difficulty, because someone won't be able to fulfill their 50%.

Jesus taught: If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. (Matthew 5:41) At the time Jesus made this statement, a Roman soldier could force a person to carry the soldier's belongings for one mile. During the first mile, a person was only doing what they had to. On the second mile, they were serving willingly. Going the second mile in a relationship will give it life and strength.

Here are some practical examples of going the second mile in a marriage, versus the way couples would behave in a 50/50 marriage.  (These examples assume who does the mowing and cooking.  Your roles may be different.)

A MARRIAGE WITH MARGIN - He usually mows the lawn, but has been particularly busy this week. The lawn needs to be mowed, so she mows it.

• A 50/50 MARRIAGE - She stays after him until he gets it mowed.

A MARRIAGE WITH MARGIN - They don’t usually go out to eat on weekdays and she usually prepares dinner.  But this day she had a hard day and didn’t find time to prepare anything. He takes her out to dinner.  Or he cooks.

• A 50/50 MARRIAGE - He throws a fit when he finds that dinner isn’t ready, reminding her of how hard he works, and how little he expects of her.

Some people may be hesitant to go the second mile out of fear that it will become a pattern and that they will always be the one to be taken advantage of.

Most married couples are going to find, however, that the more they go the second mile, the more their spouse will do the same in other situations. The respect you show your spouse will come back to you on another day in another way. However, the positive impact you could have made from going the second mile can be cancelled out by one of the following.

Complaining – We can’t imagine that Jesus wanted us to go the second mile with the Roman soldier, complaining all the way, telling him how much we dislike the Roman government and how unfair he was asking us to carry his stuff in the first place. If you complain about the extra things you do, you will not convey respect.

Scorekeeping – If you do something extra for your spouse, don’t do it with an expectation that they now owe you one. Give freely and your spouse will feel respected and appreciative.

Your marriage is not healthy if you don’t give each other margin and you are only willing to do your “fair” share. Your marriage is also unhealthy if you are keeping score of who has more frequently gone the second mile.

If only one of you knows how to go the second mile though, it shows that your marriage is out of balance and you do not have healthy mutual respect. You need to discover why your marriage is out of balance.

Happiness

War was serious business in Old Testament Israel. But God didn’t want war to get in the way of happy marriages. Able bodied men were expected to show up when the country needed to be defended, but there was one exception.
If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married. (Deuteronomy 24:5)
There are three important conclusions that we can draw from this verse.

• God values happy marriages. He wouldn’t have put such a high priority on men staying home if happy marriages weren’t essential to the health of the nation. He wants you to have a happy marriage.
• Happy marriages take some time and effort. That’s the reason the men needed to be given time at home. No one is likely to give you a year off, but you are going to have to work at having a happy marriage, and
• Mere mortals can figure out how to have a happy marriage. The verse implies that if the man is given the chance, he can bring happiness. Don’t imagine that a happy home is beyond your reach. You can do this!

If you make your own happiness a primary goal, you won’t be happy. However, making your spouse and family happy is a worthy goal, and you will find that this will make you happy in the process.
If you want to make your spouse and family happy, you need to take a positive attitude toward life yourself and bring encouragement, joy, and optimism, when you speak to them. If you are a generally negative person, you need to ask God to change your heart. God has transformed angry, negative people into joyful, positive people. Life always has it challenges and difficult times. The joy that the Lord gives is stronger, though, than life’s troubling circumstances. Peter wrote:
Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. (1 Peter 1:8-9)
Peter believed that faith in Jesus produced a great joy that overshadows everything else in life. Paul did too. Even though he faced some very tough times, Paul wrote:
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! (Philippians 4:4)
We’re not asking you to fake a positive attitude around your family. We’re asking you to choose a positive attitude, and if you don’t know how, ask God to work in your heart to give you the “inexpressible and glorious joy” that Peter wrote about.
Here are simple things you can do to bring a positive, happy attitude into your home.

• Thank your spouse for things that they do. Don’t worry about saying “Thank you” too many times. Your spouse won’t get tired of it.
• Give your spouse and children encouragement and compliments. Tell them that you love them.
• If you have something you need to talk about that is negative, include a positive side to it as well. For example, if you are unhappy that your husband has been coming home late from work without calling you, tell him you appreciate his hard work, but would like for him to call if he isn’t going to be home when you expect him.
• Don’t complain about life. Paul wrote: Do everything without complaining or arguing. (Philippians 2:14)
• Give thanks to God for your home, your family, and everything you have. Paul also wrote: Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:18)
• Find things to do with your spouse and family that you all enjoy. As your children get older their interests will change, but if you work at it, you can find things that you all enjoy.
• Develop a sense of humor.

Some people seem only to convey to their family that life is hard, times are tough, and there is no reason to smile. They seem to think that an adult’s job is to keep everyone’s nose to the grindstone. Don’t let this attitude prevail in your home. Make your home a place of happiness that you all enjoy.

House Rules

Most people I've played Monopoly with put money from fines in the middle of the board and give it to whoever lands on "Free Parking" next.  You won't find that in the rule book.  It's a "house rule" that people have agreed to.  Imagine a Monopoly game that erupts into a fight every time someone lands on Luxury Tax because we never agreed whether or not the money goes in Free Parking.

In our homes we have hundreds of house rules.  Where do we keep the remote, the bread, dirty socks, etc?  Who mows the lawn?  Do we rinse off plates before we put them in the dishwasher?  How are the finances managed?

If we clearly communicate and respect each other, we establish house rules that make home life work well for everyone in the house.  However, some couples allow stuff they've never agreed on to be a source of conflict for years.  If we don't agree on how our money is managed, we will have opportunity to fight over money all the time.  It's like having spots on the Monopoly board that are automatic triggers for fights.  Land there and the fight it on!

The dumbest argument that Shirley and I ever had was a few days before we were married.  Someone gave us some money and told us to buy a set of sheets.  In the house I grew up in a set of sheets was two flat sheets and two pillow cases.  In Shirley's it was a fitted sheet, a flat sheet, and two pillow cases.  We didn't know about the difference until we started to pick out sheets.  To fully appreciate how dumb this argument was, you need to know that we were 18 years old and that my Mom made my bed until I was married.  I knew nothing about fitted sheets and almost nothing about making beds, but I thought my Mom was smart and there must be some good reason for using a flat sheet on the bottom.  I'm ashamed to say I won the argument and we walked out with two flat sheets and two pillow cases.  Shirley always hated those sheets but at least one of them is still around in our rag bag. We have gotten much better at resolving differences since then.

One of the reasons that staying with parents can be stressful, especially for those recently married, is the existence of house rules.  If you're in your parents' home you know all the house rules.  If you're staying with your in-laws, there are many house rules you don't know and you can feel like a fish out of water.

Communication and respect for each other are what we need to agree on house rules that work for both of us and let us go around the board with a minimum of conflict.

Differences

God made males and females different for a reason. He looked at the first man and could see he needed help from someone who was a little different from him. So He made a woman. Our differences are many. They will impact a married couple every day of their lives. One wants to spend, the other wants to save. One wants to travel, the other wants to stick around home. One wants to turn the thermostat up, the other wants to turn it down.  At first these differences might seem like a constant source of conflict, but if we have mutual respect and communication working in our marriage, our differences are a source of strength.

We might see a male/female relationship go through these stages of attitudes toward our differences.

Blindness - When a couple is newly infatuated with each other, they tend to overlook many differences, think they are cute, or assume they will be dealt with later.

Annoyance - One of the great reasons not to marry too soon is to let some of the infatuation wear off so you can make a better decision about marriage. You may find that your differences begin to wear on each other. It will now take more maturity to develop your relationship, and more effort to find middle ground that you can both live with.

Acceptance - Life gets easier when you accept each other's personalities. It has always been more important to me than to Shirley to be on time when we go somewhere. It has always been more important to her to be completely prepared to go, even if it means being a little late. This was once a source of conflict and annoyance. In time, we learned to each accept what was important to the other. Through communication and negotiation we have found that we can work together and not be in conflict. I may tell her that I want to leave on a trip at 9:00, when I can really live with leaving at 10:00. If it is essential that we leave at 9:00 (or we will miss a flight, for example), we will talk about it more than once and I will ask her in advance what I can do to help her be on time.

Appreciation - I used to get annoyed at Shirley for being late when we left on a trip. She, in turn, would get annoyed at me when I would ask to borrow things she remembered to bring that I never would have thought of (fingernail clippers, chewing gum, lotion, etc.). I have learned to appreciate the thoroughness of her preparation. I think she has learned to appreciate my ability to plan a trip and know when we really need to leave.

Differences are meant to help us both. I once talked to a couple who had conflict over how to respond to a restaurant order that wasn't right. One wanted to complain and get it right. The other wanted to just eat what was given them and not worry about it. These are not right and wrong answers. The person who has an easy time living with a cheeseburger when they ordered a hamburger will one day need help confronting something that really does need to be fixed. The person who is great at confrontation will one day need help accepting things the way they are.

We were meant to help each other.