Empathy

We had been married only 6 months. It was Shirley’s birthday and I came home from a college class for lunch. I brought in the mail and said, “Look, your parents sent you a birthday card.” She began to cry. We were more than 1000 miles from either of our parents and she was a little homesick. When she was growing up, birthdays had always been a big deal at her house. They weren’t given much attention at my house. This was her first birthday since we married, and I simply didn’t know that she was going to feel sad if I didn’t do something bigger for her birthday. (In fact, I hadn’t done anything at all). I learned. I learned to think about how things would make her feel. I’m still learning.

Empathy is putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and feeling what they feel. Empathy recognizes that some things that may not faze you may hurt someone else. Empathy is essential to a healthy marriage.

You might be tempted to make light of feelings your spouse has that don’t make sense to you. However, consider the fact that the Bible teaches us that Jesus is empathetic with us. He is Lord of everything. We are weak and emotional, and yet He knows and cares about what we feel.
Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted. (Hebrews 2:18)
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. (Hebrews 4:15)

If you want to be an empathetic spouse, begin by choosing the attitude that your spouse’s feelings are important simply because you value the person you married. Then work at communication so that you have a stronger understanding of what makes your spouse tick.
Peter is speaking to men when he says:
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. (1 Peter 3:7)
That phrase “be considerate” might just sound like God wants a man to hold the door for his wife once and a while. It means much more than that. It means to thoroughly consider something.
The King James Version words it this way:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge. (1 Peter 3:7, KJV)
This is a command to men to get to know their wives, to understand what makes them tick.  A woman should do the same by caring and listening to her husband when he expresses his feelings.


Understanding and valuing the feelings of your partner should be a lifelong commitment for every married person.


Some people may look at life as somewhat overwhelming and think that their own feelings are tough enough to deal with. They may think that caring about someone else’s feelings will just make life too complicated. It’s true that decisions can be tougher if you are taking two people’s feelings into account. However, many of life’s burdens are lighter if you have someone whom you care about who understands and shares your feelings.

Coded Messages –Sometimes a person may speak out of their emotions and say what they feel instead of what they really mean. For example, a man I knew had a wife who told him, “You never kiss me.” He was pretty sure this wasn’t true, so he began to mark it on the calendar whenever he kissed his wife. (Yes, this really happened.) In this way, he was able to disprove his wife whenever she claimed he never kissed her. He was able to show her on the calendar the last time he kissed her, but he was missing the point. If he had interpreted her words as, “I feel like you never kiss me,” he might have gotten the message that he needed to kiss his wife more often and to look for other ways to nurture a healthy marriage. He may have found ways of expressing affection to his wife that she would have found even more meaningful. I can guarantee you that being shown the calendar was not satisfying to his wife.
You may need to learn to listen to the emotion in your spouse’s voice. A man may assume that if his wife says, “I don’t mind if you watch the football game,” she means that she doesn’t mind if he watches the football game. Those words might come out of her mouth in a tone of voice that says “I’m going to be annoyed if you watch the football game, why don’t you ask me what I had in mind this afternoon.” The better we get to know each other the clearer our communication will be.

Listening and Speaking

Tony and Lauren Dungy, in their book Uncommon Marriage, remember the last thing Tony said to Lauren on the day they met.  They just don’t remember it the same way.

She remembered him saying, “Give me your number and maybe I’ll call you and we can play tennis sometime.”

He remembered, “If you wouldn’t mind giving me your number, I’ll call you and maybe we can play tennis sometime.”

It doesn’t sound like a big difference, but hearing “maybe I’ll call you” from a man asking for your number is a lot different than hearing “I’ll call you, and maybe...”

Our ability to communicate is wonderful, but it isn’t perfect.  If we want to be good communicators, we need to be good listeners.  Sometimes we’ll also need to ask a question or two to make sure we understood what was said or what was meant.

James 1:19 says, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

Those three qualities are all rooted in our respect for others.  If we respect our spouse these qualities will show up in our marriage.

Quick to listen – I value you and want to hear and understand what you have to say.

If your spouse starts to speak to you when you are focused on something else, you can:

• Stop what you’re doing and give your spouse your full attention, Grade = A
• Ask your spouse to start over, admitting you weren’t listening at first, Grade = B
• Ask, “Can you give me a minute to finish this, so I can give you my full attention?”, Grade = B+ to a C- (depending on what you were doing and how quickly you finish)
• Pretend to listen while you continue what you were doing, Grade = D
• Complain, saying something like, “Blah, blah, blah, why do you have to talk all the time?”, Grade = F

Slow to speak – I value you and want to think before I speak, speaking the truth in love, and not saying things that are false, confusing, or hurtful.

If you are speaking while your spouse is still speaking, that isn’t slow enough.  Couples sometimes get in an argument where they are both speaking at the same time, thinking that whoever talks fastest, loudest, or longest wins.

If you get defensive you need to slow down and do more listening.

Slow to become angry – I value you and will take the time to understand you rather than overreact to what I thought I heard or what I’m still mad about from yesterday, last week, or last year.

If you give the benefit of the doubt, waiting until you fully understand a situation before you react, you will be slow to anger.

If you overreact to something, it is very likely because you have past hurts that you haven’t gotten over.  If you have a 10-pound reaction to a 4-ounce hurt, you are mostly reacting to other things you haven’t gotten over.  Today’s little offense is just a reminder of whatever is still bothering you.  The Bible strongly and repeatedly teaches us to forgive those who have hurt us.

We need to communicate with our spouse every day.  We might as well get good at it.

Manipulation

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. (Ephesians 4:15)

Healthy marriages are built on mutual respect. If you respect your spouse, you will want them to do what they do by choice, based on the truth, from a heart of love. You will, therefore, speak the truth in love. Trying to get them to do something by using disrespectful tactics is called manipulation. Manipulation is self-centered because it focuses on getting what you want without maintaining respect for the other person. Manipulation includes:
Lying – It was usually pretty funny when Lucy would lie to Ricky to cover up her latest scheme, but it didn’t add to a healthy marriage. If there is anything you are telling your spouse that isn’t true, it is going to create separation between the two of you and will make your spouse feel taken advantage of and hurt when the truth becomes known.
Insulting – You should be committed to building your spouse up. You may think that you can get him or her to do what you want by insulting them, but you are damaging your relationship and discarding the unique opportunity you have to build your spouse up. You cannot build your spouse up while you are tearing them down.
Violence – If you have become violent with your spouse, you need to ask God to change your heart. You have become so focused on having your way that you have resorted to something completely contrary to what you committed to when you married. You were given to each other to help each other. Violence in your marriage is damaging to the very heart of your relationship.
Threatening – Physical violence has no place in a marriage. Neither do threats of violence. You should both agree that you are not going to use or threaten to use violence on each other.
Nagging – You are nagging if you constantly repeat the same criticism and complaints. The Bible shows us that no one is going to want to live with a nag.
A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping. (Proverbs 19:13)
Find healthy ways to discuss the things that concern you and do not become a nag.
Whining – This technique uses a pathetic sounding voice to complain to your spouse. If you have something constructive to say, say it without the drama.
Shouting – Shouting at your spouse may seem like it gets their attention. However, it damages the mutual respect that is essential to healthy communication. If you need to take a short break to calm down before you can talk in a normal voice, that will be better than shouting at your spouse.
Withdrawing – If you know you are about to lose your temper, walking out of the room may be a better option for a short while. However, staying withdrawn for any length of time is a form of manipulation. Some people will go into a quiet pout to try to manipulate their spouse. Refusing to talk, slamming the door behind you, hanging up on someone during a phone conversation, and withholding normal sexual relations are all forms of manipulation. 
Using Guilt – 

• “After I went to work all day to bring home money to feed the family, you can’t even show a little appreciation by cleaning the house.” 
• “After I went through the pain of childbirth, the least you could do is change a diaper occasionally.” 

You want to develop a relationship with your spouse where you both do things for each other out of love, not guilt. Using guilt may get you what you want for the moment, but it won’t change your spouse’s heart and it won’t create any positive long term results in your marriage.
Using Unfavorable Comparisons With Someone Else – “My mother always had dinner ready by this hour.” “Jenny’s husband doesn’t care what time she comes in at night.” These kinds of comparisons are damaging to your relationship. You should make it your goal to put your spouse in a class by themselves, so you do not want to use these unhealthy comparisons.

Maintaining mutual respect in a marriage is what makes it sweet.  Manipulation tears down mutual respect.

Fresh Air

Sometimes people feel stuck. Stuck in the same old job that you don’t know how to get out of. Stuck in the same old house that you don’t feel like you can afford to move from. Stuck with the same old car that needs more repairs than you can afford. Stuck in a marriage that lost its spark a few years ago. Sometimes a person who feels stuck and restless will make foolish and destructive choices.
We were not designed to keep our nose to the grindstone day after day, year after year. We were designed to lie down and get a good night’s sleep each night. We were designed to take a day off from work each week, thank God for what He has done for us, and reflect on where He is leading us. We were designed to live in seasons, so that there is a rhythm to our lives that changes somewhat throughout the year. Relaxing, taking time off, and getting away from it all can take some faith that God can take care of us without our constant work.
The Bible warns us about working too hard and neglecting rest and relaxation.
In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat – for He grants sleep to those He loves. (Psalm 127:2)
Here are some suggestions for avoiding burning out and for keeping your marriage refreshed.
Sleep – Make a habit of winding down each night and getting a good night’s sleep. If at all possible, keep a similar schedule with your spouse. If one of you has to get up early and the other makes a habit of staying up late and sleeping late, you limit the amount of time you have for each other.
Time Together – Make whatever adjustments you must to your schedule to be able to spend time together every day. If you both working on different shifts, this may seem like it makes childcare easier, but it will take a toll on your marriage. Pray earnestly for God to change your circumstances or give you different jobs so that you have more time together.
Church – Make a family habit of going to church together each week. Find ways to make it a joy and not a burden or a lifeless duty. If you start this habit when your children are small and have a positive attitude yourselves, you will be likely to maintain this habit as your kids grow older. If you have a negative attitude and are critical of the church or its leadership, your children will wonder what is the point of going to church and will begin to rebel against the idea as they get older.
Date Night – Particularly if you have small children, you need to find a babysitter and go do something fun as a couple. It doesn’t need to be expensive. If you don’t feel you can afford a babysitter, arrange to exchange babysitting with another couple. Most couples that take the time for a weekly date night find their communication and appreciation for each other is greatly improved. Most of the couples we have ever met with who were having trouble in their marriage had been neglecting doing anything fun with just the two of them. Almost all of the couples we know that keep a regular date night are succeeding at marriage.
Vacation – Get out of town at least once a year as a family. Find ways to make your vacation something that everyone enjoys. A common mistake with vacations is cramming in too much activity, too much travel, and too much stress. People often joke about needing to get back to work to rest up from their vacation. Your vacation will often give you a fresh perspective on life and refresh your priorities. Choose a vacation that fits the whole family and that the family can enjoy doing together.
There can also be financial stresses during a vacation, as you and your family find many ways to spend money on food, gas, lodging, and activities. Plan with your spouse in advance what you plan to do and what it will cost. You won’t be able to take all the surprises out of the cost of a vacation, but you can certainly limit them. I have found that the more I can pay for in advance, the less concerned I am with the cost of a vacation.
If you are working with limited finances for a vacation, consider inexpensive alternatives such as camping.
If you are self employed, you may find it challenging to take a vacation because of the income you will give up for the time off you are taking. However, you need to regard a vacation as an investment in your family and your health. In the long run, you will be glad you took the time off.

Communicating Little Stuff

Details, Details - A good relationship requires good communication of day to day stuff. What time will you be here? What do you want for dinner? How long will your car be in the shop?

In the many years we have been married, some of our crabbiest days have been on days off. If I was working Monday through Friday, Shirley would begin to compile a mental list of things she wanted me to do or things she wanted us to do together on Saturday. Of course, I had a mental list of my own, that began with sleeping late. The problem would come when we failed to communicate our expectations. We each had at least 10 hours of expectations crammed into 12 hours of daytime. We could have done everything on her list, or we could have done everything on my list. We just couldn’t do both. A short talk, sometime during the week, about what we had planned for Saturday would have eased the tension that seemed to mount during the morning on Saturday when we discovered we were not on the same page.

There is no great skill required in telling someone what time you will show up or what you have planned for Saturday. If you respect each other you will inform each other of the things that are going to have an impact on your daily lives. Perhaps there are a few reasons, though, that keep people from communicating the little details.

·         Past conflicts make some people “gun shy” about communication. If we had a big fight the last time I brought up the fact I was going golfing, maybe it would be easier to just slip out and go without saying anything. The problem, of course, is that will only increase conflict and tension in a marriage.

·         Some people may be so wrapped up in their own thoughts and needs that they simply fail to think about how their plans impact their spouse. When you are married, you are no longer two but one, and you must think about how your plans impact your partner.

·         Some people, especially the newly married, may feel like it’s demeaning or unnecessary to discuss their plans with another person. They may have struggled with their parents for independence when they were teenagers and now feel that grownups don’t have to discuss their plans with others. If you have this attitude, you need to drop it and recognize that good communication is essential to a healthy marriage.

You cannot make your spouse feel respected while leaving him or her in the dark about your plans that impact their life.

We have met with couples that were crying out for better communication in the details of their lives. One or both of them felt disrespected because of the things they weren’t told. Sometimes, though, one or both felt like having to tell their spouse what they had planned was a form of imprisonment. Being married involves becoming one and you need to share with each other these little details.

You may need to look at the calendar together once or twice a week to see what you have planned for the next few days. Taking just a few moments to do that may pay for itself many times over during the week. You may spend two minutes eliminating some conflict that would have taken you two hours to argue about later. You will find that your life is more in order, and your appreciation and understanding of each other is greater.

If you are going to get home later than expected, give your spouse a phone call. We have so many methods of communication available today, there is no excuse for failing to communicate.

Some couples who find it hard to communicate about the details of life, may distance themselves from each other to make it seem as though their lives are in order. They may each eat by themselves, each pursue their own interests, go to bed and get up alone without communication. They may find themselves living in two separate worlds where they only occasionally bump into each other. This isolation may reduce the conflict they once had, but it falls very short of the plan God had for marriage when He talked about two becoming one.