Listening and Speaking

Tony and Lauren Dungy, in their book Uncommon Marriage, remember the last thing Tony said to Lauren on the day they met.  They just don’t remember it the same way.

She remembered him saying, “Give me your number and maybe I’ll call you and we can play tennis sometime.”

He remembered, “If you wouldn’t mind giving me your number, I’ll call you and maybe we can play tennis sometime.”

It doesn’t sound like a big difference, but hearing “maybe I’ll call you” from a man asking for your number is a lot different than hearing “I’ll call you, and maybe...”

Our ability to communicate is wonderful, but it isn’t perfect.  If we want to be good communicators, we need to be good listeners.  Sometimes we’ll also need to ask a question or two to make sure we understood what was said or what was meant.

James 1:19 says, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

Those three qualities are all rooted in our respect for others.  If we respect our spouse these qualities will show up in our marriage.

Quick to listen – I value you and want to hear and understand what you have to say.

If your spouse starts to speak to you when you are focused on something else, you can:

• Stop what you’re doing and give your spouse your full attention, Grade = A
• Ask your spouse to start over, admitting you weren’t listening at first, Grade = B
• Ask, “Can you give me a minute to finish this, so I can give you my full attention?”, Grade = B+ to a C- (depending on what you were doing and how quickly you finish)
• Pretend to listen while you continue what you were doing, Grade = D
• Complain, saying something like, “Blah, blah, blah, why do you have to talk all the time?”, Grade = F

Slow to speak – I value you and want to think before I speak, speaking the truth in love, and not saying things that are false, confusing, or hurtful.

If you are speaking while your spouse is still speaking, that isn’t slow enough.  Couples sometimes get in an argument where they are both speaking at the same time, thinking that whoever talks fastest, loudest, or longest wins.

If you get defensive you need to slow down and do more listening.

Slow to become angry – I value you and will take the time to understand you rather than overreact to what I thought I heard or what I’m still mad about from yesterday, last week, or last year.

If you give the benefit of the doubt, waiting until you fully understand a situation before you react, you will be slow to anger.

If you overreact to something, it is very likely because you have past hurts that you haven’t gotten over.  If you have a 10-pound reaction to a 4-ounce hurt, you are mostly reacting to other things you haven’t gotten over.  Today’s little offense is just a reminder of whatever is still bothering you.  The Bible strongly and repeatedly teaches us to forgive those who have hurt us.

We need to communicate with our spouse every day.  We might as well get good at it.