Why did Absalom set Joab's barley field on fire? He just wanted to talk to him.
In 2 Samuel 14:29-31 Absalom wanted to talk to Joab. He wanted Joab to be a mediator between Absalom and Absalom's Dad, David. Absalom sent for Joab, but he refused to meet with Absalom. He tried a second time and Joab still refused. So Absalom had his servants set Joab's barley field on fire. Then Joab showed up and asked the obvious question, "Why have your servants set my field on fire?" Absalom set Joab's barley field on fire because he wasn't getting his attention otherwise.
Maybe your spouse has done something that seems crazy and a big overreaction. In some cases your spouse may be crying out for the opportunity to talk about something important, feeling like they can't really get your attention.
Some married couples have poor communication because they just don't allow time for it. There's always something to do and having a good talk gets pushed aside.
We've always believed that a couple needs to make sure that every day they have an opportunity to ask each other, "How are you doing?" and then listen to the answer.
Sometimes couples don't connect because one wants to talk about the problem while the other wants to get to the solution. Men are stereotypically focused on finding a solution, while women are stereotypically more interested in a good listener than a problem solver. This short clip on youtube illustrates that difference (mostly from a man's perspective) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
Other couples communicate well on most topics but have some subjects that they avoid because they know there is going to be conflict. Friends of ours have scheduled an occasional planning retreat. This is a trip for 2 or 3 days just for the two of them. They plan time for relaxation, but also time to discuss and plan some of the more challenging areas of married life, such as money and parenting.
We don't recommend that you set anything on fire. We recommend that you work at communication so neither of you feels like you have to start a fire to get your spouse's attention.
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