If you get in a boxing ring to compete, you can only win if you make the other person lose. Competitors may show each other respect, shaking hands before a match and maybe hugging afterward, but boxers are there to fight. The objective is always to win by making the other person lose.
If you go out on the dance floor for a swing dance, you either do well together or you do poorly together. You aren't trying to defeat your partner. There may be disagreements, especially when you're learning a dance, but dancers know that they are there to succeed together.
Some couples create disagreements that become win/lose arguments. Someone has to win this argument by making the other person lose. When you create a win/lose argument, you're going to be tempted to resort to manipulation. Our post on this blog on 3/21/20 discusses some of the types of manipulation that people resort to: lying, insulting, threatening, violence, nagging, whining, shouting, withdrawing, guilt, and unfavorable comparison with others. All of these techniques focus on getting what you want without maintaining respect for your spouse. If you find yourself doing these you are probably in a win/lose argument that you are trying to win.
In most win/lose arguments the "win" isn't really about whatever the argument is, but about which of you is better, smarter, or worthy of more respect. Almost all arguments in marriage are a fight for respect. If you have shown each other clearly that you respect each other, there may be plenty of things you disagree about but there will be few that you fight over.
In a dance like salsa, swing, or the waltz, there is a leader, but the leadership is subtle. Both partners have to be working together. Dance instructors will tell you that the man must lead, but his job is to make the woman shine.
Working together in a dance is not always easy. There are a couple ways you could dance that would make it easier.
1) Stand a few feet apart and each of you can do whatever dance moves you want. He can do the twist while she does the watusi. It won't matter what either of you does. Some couples create distance in their relationship to reduce conflict. They don't eat together, they keep their finances independent of each other, and they are usually going separate ways. That may be a low conflict marriage, but it isn't the "one flesh" relationship God designed.
2) Tie the wife to an office chair that swivels and has wheels. The man can move her around the dance floor freely and spin her whenever he wants. Sometimes someone may respond to conflict with domineering leadership. This reduces conflict only as long as someone is willing to be dominated. Since the Bible instructs men to honor their wives and for wives to respect their husbands, domineering leadership isn't what God had in mind either.
May you succeed together in your marriage.
Sunday, June 28, 2020
Thursday, June 18, 2020
Integrity
You won't think you'd had a successful marriage if an apostle calls the two of you out for lying and you both drop dead.
Did you ever wonder why God was so tough on Ananias and Sapphira? In Acts, chapter 5, they agreed together to lie to the Apostles. No one was forcing them to sell land and give money to help other Christian believers. They chose to do that, but they decided to keep some of the money for themselves. That wouldn’t have been a problem either, but they agreed to lie and say that they were giving the full amount of the sale. For some reason, it was important to them to look to others like something they weren’t. This is what is called hypocrisy. It was their lie that got them in trouble, and they both ended up dead.
Then Peter said, "Ananias, how is it that Satan has so filled your heart that you have lied to the Holy Spirit and have kept for yourself some of the money you received for the land? Didn't it belong to you before it was sold? And after it was sold, wasn't the money at your disposal? What made you think of doing such a thing? You have not lied to men but to God." (Acts 5:3-4)
You can have two forms of hypocrisy in a family. First, members of the family may try to hide who they really are from the other members of the family. A woman may try to sneak a smoke while pretending to the family that she doesn’t smoke. A man may say he is working late, but be stopping off at a bar. A teen may be trying to hide drug use from their parents. These lies are destined to be uncovered. It isn’t that difficult for your family to see the truth. Sometimes a family member really knows the truth, but chooses to live in denial rather than face the facts.
Second, as in the case of Ananias and Sapphira, a couple or the whole family may conspire to fool the outside world. Sometimes family members are expected to lie to cover up physical abuse within the family or substance abuse by one of the members of the family.
Either of these forms of hypocrisy will damage the respect that family members need for one another.
Your family gets to see your life close up and knows what you are really made of. Being honest with yourself and with your spouse will add strength to your marriage and increase the respect you have for each other.
There are a lot of things you can’t choose. You can’t choose how tall you are, who your parents are, or what century you live in. But you can choose to be an honest person who does not try to pretend to be something you aren’t.
Integrity begins with putting God first in your life. If you only want to please Him, and know you can’t fool Him, you won’t be motivated to try to fool others.
For a man’s ways are in full view of the Lord, and He examines all his paths. (Proverbs 5:21)
Lying to your children will eventually hurt them. There are very few lies you are going to tell them that won’t eventually be discovered. When your children discover you have lied to them, they will not only be hurt, they will lose respect for you and for the otherwise good things you have imparted to them.
Notice where lying fits in God’s eyes:
There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to Him; haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers. (Proverbs 6:16-19)
He mentions lies twice in this passage, “a lying tongue” and “a false witness who pours out lies.”
If you and your spouse have conspired together to lie to anyone, you are going to need to repent together and make it right together.
If you have lied to your spouse or children, you need to make it right by speaking the truth. There is a good chance your family already knows the truth, but when you come clean you will remove the stain on your character.
Don’t make promises to your children or to your spouse that you don’t intend to keep. If you committed to something that you absolutely cannot keep, explain it to them and find ways to make it right.
Pay your taxes, pay your bills, and be a person whose word can be counted on.
Did you ever wonder why God was so tough on Ananias and Sapphira? In Acts, chapter 5, they agreed together to lie to the Apostles. No one was forcing them to sell land and give money to help other Christian believers. They chose to do that, but they decided to keep some of the money for themselves. That wouldn’t have been a problem either, but they agreed to lie and say that they were giving the full amount of the sale. For some reason, it was important to them to look to others like something they weren’t. This is what is called hypocrisy. It was their lie that got them in trouble, and they both ended up dead.
Then Peter said, "Ananias, how is it that Satan has so filled your heart that you have lied to the Holy Spirit and have kept for yourself some of the money you received for the land? Didn't it belong to you before it was sold? And after it was sold, wasn't the money at your disposal? What made you think of doing such a thing? You have not lied to men but to God." (Acts 5:3-4)
You can have two forms of hypocrisy in a family. First, members of the family may try to hide who they really are from the other members of the family. A woman may try to sneak a smoke while pretending to the family that she doesn’t smoke. A man may say he is working late, but be stopping off at a bar. A teen may be trying to hide drug use from their parents. These lies are destined to be uncovered. It isn’t that difficult for your family to see the truth. Sometimes a family member really knows the truth, but chooses to live in denial rather than face the facts.
Second, as in the case of Ananias and Sapphira, a couple or the whole family may conspire to fool the outside world. Sometimes family members are expected to lie to cover up physical abuse within the family or substance abuse by one of the members of the family.
Either of these forms of hypocrisy will damage the respect that family members need for one another.
Your family gets to see your life close up and knows what you are really made of. Being honest with yourself and with your spouse will add strength to your marriage and increase the respect you have for each other.
There are a lot of things you can’t choose. You can’t choose how tall you are, who your parents are, or what century you live in. But you can choose to be an honest person who does not try to pretend to be something you aren’t.
Integrity begins with putting God first in your life. If you only want to please Him, and know you can’t fool Him, you won’t be motivated to try to fool others.
For a man’s ways are in full view of the Lord, and He examines all his paths. (Proverbs 5:21)
Lying to your children will eventually hurt them. There are very few lies you are going to tell them that won’t eventually be discovered. When your children discover you have lied to them, they will not only be hurt, they will lose respect for you and for the otherwise good things you have imparted to them.
Notice where lying fits in God’s eyes:
There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to Him; haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers. (Proverbs 6:16-19)
He mentions lies twice in this passage, “a lying tongue” and “a false witness who pours out lies.”
If you and your spouse have conspired together to lie to anyone, you are going to need to repent together and make it right together.
If you have lied to your spouse or children, you need to make it right by speaking the truth. There is a good chance your family already knows the truth, but when you come clean you will remove the stain on your character.
Don’t make promises to your children or to your spouse that you don’t intend to keep. If you committed to something that you absolutely cannot keep, explain it to them and find ways to make it right.
Pay your taxes, pay your bills, and be a person whose word can be counted on.
Friday, June 12, 2020
Write it Down
Here is an exercise to improve communication in your marriage.
1. Choose a simple topic that you each have significant feelings about.
2. Each of you write about it, separately, but at the same time.
3. Exchange papers.
4. Read what your spouse wrote.
5. Talk about it.
This exercise is a way to foster communication about your feelings. It has the advantage of allowing each of you to think clearly, without interruption, while you are writing. You will then have the opportunity to get your spouse’s feelings, uninterrupted, while you are reading. Your discussion afterward will increase your understanding of each other.
We have found this simple exercise increases our understanding of each other and our ability to communicate. For example, one time we wrote down the five most satisfying experiences each of us had in the last five years. I was shocked to find two items on Shirley’s list were improvements we had made in our home. I think home improvement is fine, but until our little writing exercise I didn’t know how important it was to Shirley.
Make sure that when you begin this exercise, you have enough time for it. When you start writing, it may take you a little while. When you start talking, you may find that there is a lot to talk about.
As you write, try to express your feelings. Don’t accuse or complain. Just explain the way you feel. For example, “You don’t spend enough time with me,” is a complaint. On the other hand, “I enjoy the time we spend together and often wish we would make more time to spend together,” expresses feelings.
When you read what your spouse has written, make your primary goal understanding your spouse’s feelings. If you read something that sounds like an accusation or that expresses some disappointment in you, don’t become defensive. If you read something that sounds like a problem, don’t try to jump to the conclusion. You can discuss solutions to problems after you have fully understood each other’s feelings.
We wouldn’t recommend this exercise as a means of dealing with major conflict or topics that need urgent attention. This exercise will work best when your minds are relatively clear, you are in a reasonably good mood, and you are not feeling defensive or troubled about your marriage.
This exercise may be particularly useful when you take a trip out of town without children and have extended time together.
We hope this exercise gives you some new understanding of each other and deepens your communication. We aren’t looking at this exercise as a method of unleashing a huge backlog of feelings you have been holding inside for years. If this happens, it is a clear symptom that the communication in your marriage has been inadequate and that you need to devote much more effort to healthy communication.
Something to Write About – Here are some topics you might find useful, but don’t be limited by this list. Think of your own topics that interest you both.
· What are your three favorite memories you have of doing something together?
· Describe what you would like to see happen in the next five years?
· When have you felt closest to God? Why?
· What three people have had the most important positive influence in your life?
· If you were to write a book, what would it be about?
· If you could do one thing to help other people, and you had all the time, training, and money you needed to do it, what would it be?
· If you could go one place, anywhere in the world, on vacation, where would it be?
1. Choose a simple topic that you each have significant feelings about.
2. Each of you write about it, separately, but at the same time.
3. Exchange papers.
4. Read what your spouse wrote.
5. Talk about it.
This exercise is a way to foster communication about your feelings. It has the advantage of allowing each of you to think clearly, without interruption, while you are writing. You will then have the opportunity to get your spouse’s feelings, uninterrupted, while you are reading. Your discussion afterward will increase your understanding of each other.
We have found this simple exercise increases our understanding of each other and our ability to communicate. For example, one time we wrote down the five most satisfying experiences each of us had in the last five years. I was shocked to find two items on Shirley’s list were improvements we had made in our home. I think home improvement is fine, but until our little writing exercise I didn’t know how important it was to Shirley.
Make sure that when you begin this exercise, you have enough time for it. When you start writing, it may take you a little while. When you start talking, you may find that there is a lot to talk about.
As you write, try to express your feelings. Don’t accuse or complain. Just explain the way you feel. For example, “You don’t spend enough time with me,” is a complaint. On the other hand, “I enjoy the time we spend together and often wish we would make more time to spend together,” expresses feelings.
When you read what your spouse has written, make your primary goal understanding your spouse’s feelings. If you read something that sounds like an accusation or that expresses some disappointment in you, don’t become defensive. If you read something that sounds like a problem, don’t try to jump to the conclusion. You can discuss solutions to problems after you have fully understood each other’s feelings.
We wouldn’t recommend this exercise as a means of dealing with major conflict or topics that need urgent attention. This exercise will work best when your minds are relatively clear, you are in a reasonably good mood, and you are not feeling defensive or troubled about your marriage.
This exercise may be particularly useful when you take a trip out of town without children and have extended time together.
We hope this exercise gives you some new understanding of each other and deepens your communication. We aren’t looking at this exercise as a method of unleashing a huge backlog of feelings you have been holding inside for years. If this happens, it is a clear symptom that the communication in your marriage has been inadequate and that you need to devote much more effort to healthy communication.
Something to Write About – Here are some topics you might find useful, but don’t be limited by this list. Think of your own topics that interest you both.
· What are your three favorite memories you have of doing something together?
· Describe what you would like to see happen in the next five years?
· When have you felt closest to God? Why?
· What three people have had the most important positive influence in your life?
· If you were to write a book, what would it be about?
· If you could do one thing to help other people, and you had all the time, training, and money you needed to do it, what would it be?
· If you could go one place, anywhere in the world, on vacation, where would it be?
Thursday, June 4, 2020
Valuing Each Other
God loves your spouse, and He wants you to value your spouse.
The key to a healthy marriage is for two people to treat each other with honor and respect. We may have a tendency to value each other for things that don’t last, such as:
Good Looks – Almost everyone is more attractive when they are young than when they are old. If we want to have mutual respect in a life-long relationship, we are going to value each other based on something deeper than looks.
Money – Money comes and goes. Someone who is rich today will be poor later and someone who is nearly penniless today will have great wealth next week.
Intelligence – I respected my Father for his intelligence, but in the last 10 years of his life, his mind eroded with dementia. I still respected him.
Here are some lasting things we can base our value for each other on.
God Gave Us to Each Other – If you honor God, you are going to honor the one He gave you and told you to value.
We Committed Our Lives to Each Other – In general, homeowners take better care of their homes than renters. The difference is commitment. If you meant what you said when you married each other, this gives your reason enough to value each other.
We Are Building a Life Together – Paul wrote that, “He who loves his wife loves himself.” (Ephesians 5:28) If you treat your spouse with honor, you also benefit.
If you value your spouse, you will listen to him or her, even when you don’t agree with what they are saying. You will care about how they are feeling, even if their feelings don’t make sense to you.
Maybe you’ve heard the story of Johnny Lingo and his wife Sarita. You can read the entire story if you can find a copy of the February, 1988, Readers Digest, or the November, 1965, Woman’s Day. Johnny Lingo was known in the islands as a wealthy young man and a smart trader, but no one could understand why he paid eight cows for his wife. A man in his community could get a beautiful wife for four or five cows. No one had ever paid eight cows. The woman he wanted to marry was considered plain and her friends assumed her father would do well to negotiate for one cow for Sarita. But Johnny, without negotiation, quickly offered eight. The author of the story had heard about the price Johnny paid for his plain looking wife, but when the author met Sarita she was amazed at Sarita’s beauty and bearing. Still puzzled, she asked Johnny why he had paid such a high price for Sarita. He explained two things, 1) “I wanted her and no other woman,” and 2) “I wanted an eight cow wife.” The esteem that Johnny gave his wife resulted in her seeing herself as having great value. She lived accordingly and her innate beauty that others hadn’t seen before came shining through.
Many times people will feel disrespected by their spouse. If you do, you have three choices:
1. Fight for respect. This doesn’t often work. If you fight, you probably are only going to get a fight back.
2. Show disrespect. Many people respond to disrespect with disrespect. That seems fair, but the likely result is that your spouse is going to return even more disrespect. This can send your marriage into a downward spiral that is difficult to recover from.
3. Give more respect. Give and it will be given to you.
Many people read the words of Jesus, “Give and it will be given to you,” and think He was primarily talking about money. He was talking about mercy.
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (Luke 6:37-38)
If you treat your spouse with more respect and honor, your spouse will treat you with more respect. This is the most important ingredient in a healthy marriage and you can only get more by giving more.
The key to a healthy marriage is for two people to treat each other with honor and respect. We may have a tendency to value each other for things that don’t last, such as:
Good Looks – Almost everyone is more attractive when they are young than when they are old. If we want to have mutual respect in a life-long relationship, we are going to value each other based on something deeper than looks.
Money – Money comes and goes. Someone who is rich today will be poor later and someone who is nearly penniless today will have great wealth next week.
Intelligence – I respected my Father for his intelligence, but in the last 10 years of his life, his mind eroded with dementia. I still respected him.
Here are some lasting things we can base our value for each other on.
God Gave Us to Each Other – If you honor God, you are going to honor the one He gave you and told you to value.
We Committed Our Lives to Each Other – In general, homeowners take better care of their homes than renters. The difference is commitment. If you meant what you said when you married each other, this gives your reason enough to value each other.
We Are Building a Life Together – Paul wrote that, “He who loves his wife loves himself.” (Ephesians 5:28) If you treat your spouse with honor, you also benefit.
If you value your spouse, you will listen to him or her, even when you don’t agree with what they are saying. You will care about how they are feeling, even if their feelings don’t make sense to you.
Maybe you’ve heard the story of Johnny Lingo and his wife Sarita. You can read the entire story if you can find a copy of the February, 1988, Readers Digest, or the November, 1965, Woman’s Day. Johnny Lingo was known in the islands as a wealthy young man and a smart trader, but no one could understand why he paid eight cows for his wife. A man in his community could get a beautiful wife for four or five cows. No one had ever paid eight cows. The woman he wanted to marry was considered plain and her friends assumed her father would do well to negotiate for one cow for Sarita. But Johnny, without negotiation, quickly offered eight. The author of the story had heard about the price Johnny paid for his plain looking wife, but when the author met Sarita she was amazed at Sarita’s beauty and bearing. Still puzzled, she asked Johnny why he had paid such a high price for Sarita. He explained two things, 1) “I wanted her and no other woman,” and 2) “I wanted an eight cow wife.” The esteem that Johnny gave his wife resulted in her seeing herself as having great value. She lived accordingly and her innate beauty that others hadn’t seen before came shining through.
Many times people will feel disrespected by their spouse. If you do, you have three choices:
1. Fight for respect. This doesn’t often work. If you fight, you probably are only going to get a fight back.
2. Show disrespect. Many people respond to disrespect with disrespect. That seems fair, but the likely result is that your spouse is going to return even more disrespect. This can send your marriage into a downward spiral that is difficult to recover from.
3. Give more respect. Give and it will be given to you.
Many people read the words of Jesus, “Give and it will be given to you,” and think He was primarily talking about money. He was talking about mercy.
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (Luke 6:37-38)
If you treat your spouse with more respect and honor, your spouse will treat you with more respect. This is the most important ingredient in a healthy marriage and you can only get more by giving more.
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