If you get in a boxing ring to compete, you can only win if you make the other person lose. Competitors may show each other respect, shaking hands before a match and maybe hugging afterward, but boxers are there to fight. The objective is always to win by making the other person lose.
If you go out on the dance floor for a swing dance, you either do well together or you do poorly together. You aren't trying to defeat your partner. There may be disagreements, especially when you're learning a dance, but dancers know that they are there to succeed together.
Some couples create disagreements that become win/lose arguments. Someone has to win this argument by making the other person lose. When you create a win/lose argument, you're going to be tempted to resort to manipulation. Our post on this blog on 3/21/20 discusses some of the types of manipulation that people resort to: lying, insulting, threatening, violence, nagging, whining, shouting, withdrawing, guilt, and unfavorable comparison with others. All of these techniques focus on getting what you want without maintaining respect for your spouse. If you find yourself doing these you are probably in a win/lose argument that you are trying to win.
In most win/lose arguments the "win" isn't really about whatever the argument is, but about which of you is better, smarter, or worthy of more respect. Almost all arguments in marriage are a fight for respect. If you have shown each other clearly that you respect each other, there may be plenty of things you disagree about but there will be few that you fight over.
In a dance like salsa, swing, or the waltz, there is a leader, but the leadership is subtle. Both partners have to be working together. Dance instructors will tell you that the man must lead, but his job is to make the woman shine.
Working together in a dance is not always easy. There are a couple ways you could dance that would make it easier.
1) Stand a few feet apart and each of you can do whatever dance moves you want. He can do the twist while she does the watusi. It won't matter what either of you does. Some couples create distance in their relationship to reduce conflict. They don't eat together, they keep their finances independent of each other, and they are usually going separate ways. That may be a low conflict marriage, but it isn't the "one flesh" relationship God designed.
2) Tie the wife to an office chair that swivels and has wheels. The man can move her around the dance floor freely and spin her whenever he wants. Sometimes someone may respond to conflict with domineering leadership. This reduces conflict only as long as someone is willing to be dominated. Since the Bible instructs men to honor their wives and for wives to respect their husbands, domineering leadership isn't what God had in mind either.
May you succeed together in your marriage.
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