Sources of Conflict

In their book, It Takes Two to Tango, Gary and Norma Smalley identify five sources of conflict in marriage:

• power and control - both people are fighting for control or resenting not having control
• individuality - one person tries to change their partner and the other resists
• distance - one person begins to pull away or put up walls of defense
• distrust - one or both feel unsafe expressing their feelings or needs
• unmet needs - one partner feels his or her needs are not being met

If you have conflict it can be useful to think about the underlying reason for it.  A couple can fight about something that really is not important to either of them, because there is something underlying that is the real reason for the conflict.

Friends of ours had a fight that got heated and then resulted in days of avoiding each other and not talking to each other.  The fight started when he painted one of the rooms of his house.  She was out of the house at the time and didn't know he was going to paint.  The fight wasn't about the quality of his work or the amount of money he spent on a can of paint.  She felt disrespected because he hadn't talked to her about it or asked for her input in choosing a color.

Of course their fight illustrates what poor communication can do.  Good communication, even about little stuff, is like oil to an engine.  If he had a short conversation in advance explaining his plan to paint the room and listening to her thoughts, there would have been no fight.

Their fight also illustrates how an action can be interpreted in light of the health of a marriage.  This couple had been in the habit of fighting and it was easy to jump from perceived disrespect to a big fight.  Another woman accustomed to being treated with respect and honor might have reacted to a newly painted room with joyful surprise.  She may have told her husband how sweet he was to paint the room.  The stronger your foundation of respect and honor there is in your marriage, the less room there is for conflict.

As married couples we will have differing opinions about hundreds of things, but with mutual respect and good communication we don't need to fight about them.