You won't think you'd had a successful marriage if an apostle calls the two of you out for lying and you both drop dead.
Did you ever wonder why God was so tough on Ananias and Sapphira? In Acts, chapter 5, they agreed together to lie to the Apostles. No one was forcing them to sell land and give money to help other Christian believers. They chose to do that, but they decided to keep some of the money for themselves. That wouldn’t have been a problem either, but they agreed to lie and say that they were giving the full amount of the sale. For some reason, it was important to them to look to others like something they weren’t. This is what is called hypocrisy. It was their lie that got them in trouble, and they both ended up dead.
Then Peter said, "Ananias, how is it that Satan has so filled your heart that you have lied to the Holy Spirit and have kept for yourself some of the money you received for the land? Didn't it belong to you before it was sold? And after it was sold, wasn't the money at your disposal? What made you think of doing such a thing? You have not lied to men but to God." (Acts 5:3-4)
You can have two forms of hypocrisy in a family. First, members of the family may try to hide who they really are from the other members of the family. A woman may try to sneak a smoke while pretending to the family that she doesn’t smoke. A man may say he is working late, but be stopping off at a bar. A teen may be trying to hide drug use from their parents. These lies are destined to be uncovered. It isn’t that difficult for your family to see the truth. Sometimes a family member really knows the truth, but chooses to live in denial rather than face the facts.
Second, as in the case of Ananias and Sapphira, a couple or the whole family may conspire to fool the outside world. Sometimes family members are expected to lie to cover up physical abuse within the family or substance abuse by one of the members of the family.
Either of these forms of hypocrisy will damage the respect that family members need for one another.
Your family gets to see your life close up and knows what you are really made of. Being honest with yourself and with your spouse will add strength to your marriage and increase the respect you have for each other.
There are a lot of things you can’t choose. You can’t choose how tall you are, who your parents are, or what century you live in. But you can choose to be an honest person who does not try to pretend to be something you aren’t.
Integrity begins with putting God first in your life. If you only want to please Him, and know you can’t fool Him, you won’t be motivated to try to fool others.
For a man’s ways are in full view of the Lord, and He examines all his paths. (Proverbs 5:21)
Lying to your children will eventually hurt them. There are very few lies you are going to tell them that won’t eventually be discovered. When your children discover you have lied to them, they will not only be hurt, they will lose respect for you and for the otherwise good things you have imparted to them.
Notice where lying fits in God’s eyes:
There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to Him; haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers. (Proverbs 6:16-19)
He mentions lies twice in this passage, “a lying tongue” and “a false witness who pours out lies.”
If you and your spouse have conspired together to lie to anyone, you are going to need to repent together and make it right together.
If you have lied to your spouse or children, you need to make it right by speaking the truth. There is a good chance your family already knows the truth, but when you come clean you will remove the stain on your character.
Don’t make promises to your children or to your spouse that you don’t intend to keep. If you committed to something that you absolutely cannot keep, explain it to them and find ways to make it right.
Pay your taxes, pay your bills, and be a person whose word can be counted on.
Thursday, June 18, 2020
Friday, June 12, 2020
Write it Down
Here is an exercise to improve communication in your marriage.
1. Choose a simple topic that you each have significant feelings about.
2. Each of you write about it, separately, but at the same time.
3. Exchange papers.
4. Read what your spouse wrote.
5. Talk about it.
This exercise is a way to foster communication about your feelings. It has the advantage of allowing each of you to think clearly, without interruption, while you are writing. You will then have the opportunity to get your spouse’s feelings, uninterrupted, while you are reading. Your discussion afterward will increase your understanding of each other.
We have found this simple exercise increases our understanding of each other and our ability to communicate. For example, one time we wrote down the five most satisfying experiences each of us had in the last five years. I was shocked to find two items on Shirley’s list were improvements we had made in our home. I think home improvement is fine, but until our little writing exercise I didn’t know how important it was to Shirley.
Make sure that when you begin this exercise, you have enough time for it. When you start writing, it may take you a little while. When you start talking, you may find that there is a lot to talk about.
As you write, try to express your feelings. Don’t accuse or complain. Just explain the way you feel. For example, “You don’t spend enough time with me,” is a complaint. On the other hand, “I enjoy the time we spend together and often wish we would make more time to spend together,” expresses feelings.
When you read what your spouse has written, make your primary goal understanding your spouse’s feelings. If you read something that sounds like an accusation or that expresses some disappointment in you, don’t become defensive. If you read something that sounds like a problem, don’t try to jump to the conclusion. You can discuss solutions to problems after you have fully understood each other’s feelings.
We wouldn’t recommend this exercise as a means of dealing with major conflict or topics that need urgent attention. This exercise will work best when your minds are relatively clear, you are in a reasonably good mood, and you are not feeling defensive or troubled about your marriage.
This exercise may be particularly useful when you take a trip out of town without children and have extended time together.
We hope this exercise gives you some new understanding of each other and deepens your communication. We aren’t looking at this exercise as a method of unleashing a huge backlog of feelings you have been holding inside for years. If this happens, it is a clear symptom that the communication in your marriage has been inadequate and that you need to devote much more effort to healthy communication.
Something to Write About – Here are some topics you might find useful, but don’t be limited by this list. Think of your own topics that interest you both.
· What are your three favorite memories you have of doing something together?
· Describe what you would like to see happen in the next five years?
· When have you felt closest to God? Why?
· What three people have had the most important positive influence in your life?
· If you were to write a book, what would it be about?
· If you could do one thing to help other people, and you had all the time, training, and money you needed to do it, what would it be?
· If you could go one place, anywhere in the world, on vacation, where would it be?
1. Choose a simple topic that you each have significant feelings about.
2. Each of you write about it, separately, but at the same time.
3. Exchange papers.
4. Read what your spouse wrote.
5. Talk about it.
This exercise is a way to foster communication about your feelings. It has the advantage of allowing each of you to think clearly, without interruption, while you are writing. You will then have the opportunity to get your spouse’s feelings, uninterrupted, while you are reading. Your discussion afterward will increase your understanding of each other.
We have found this simple exercise increases our understanding of each other and our ability to communicate. For example, one time we wrote down the five most satisfying experiences each of us had in the last five years. I was shocked to find two items on Shirley’s list were improvements we had made in our home. I think home improvement is fine, but until our little writing exercise I didn’t know how important it was to Shirley.
Make sure that when you begin this exercise, you have enough time for it. When you start writing, it may take you a little while. When you start talking, you may find that there is a lot to talk about.
As you write, try to express your feelings. Don’t accuse or complain. Just explain the way you feel. For example, “You don’t spend enough time with me,” is a complaint. On the other hand, “I enjoy the time we spend together and often wish we would make more time to spend together,” expresses feelings.
When you read what your spouse has written, make your primary goal understanding your spouse’s feelings. If you read something that sounds like an accusation or that expresses some disappointment in you, don’t become defensive. If you read something that sounds like a problem, don’t try to jump to the conclusion. You can discuss solutions to problems after you have fully understood each other’s feelings.
We wouldn’t recommend this exercise as a means of dealing with major conflict or topics that need urgent attention. This exercise will work best when your minds are relatively clear, you are in a reasonably good mood, and you are not feeling defensive or troubled about your marriage.
This exercise may be particularly useful when you take a trip out of town without children and have extended time together.
We hope this exercise gives you some new understanding of each other and deepens your communication. We aren’t looking at this exercise as a method of unleashing a huge backlog of feelings you have been holding inside for years. If this happens, it is a clear symptom that the communication in your marriage has been inadequate and that you need to devote much more effort to healthy communication.
Something to Write About – Here are some topics you might find useful, but don’t be limited by this list. Think of your own topics that interest you both.
· What are your three favorite memories you have of doing something together?
· Describe what you would like to see happen in the next five years?
· When have you felt closest to God? Why?
· What three people have had the most important positive influence in your life?
· If you were to write a book, what would it be about?
· If you could do one thing to help other people, and you had all the time, training, and money you needed to do it, what would it be?
· If you could go one place, anywhere in the world, on vacation, where would it be?
Thursday, June 4, 2020
Valuing Each Other
God loves your spouse, and He wants you to value your spouse.
The key to a healthy marriage is for two people to treat each other with honor and respect. We may have a tendency to value each other for things that don’t last, such as:
Good Looks – Almost everyone is more attractive when they are young than when they are old. If we want to have mutual respect in a life-long relationship, we are going to value each other based on something deeper than looks.
Money – Money comes and goes. Someone who is rich today will be poor later and someone who is nearly penniless today will have great wealth next week.
Intelligence – I respected my Father for his intelligence, but in the last 10 years of his life, his mind eroded with dementia. I still respected him.
Here are some lasting things we can base our value for each other on.
God Gave Us to Each Other – If you honor God, you are going to honor the one He gave you and told you to value.
We Committed Our Lives to Each Other – In general, homeowners take better care of their homes than renters. The difference is commitment. If you meant what you said when you married each other, this gives your reason enough to value each other.
We Are Building a Life Together – Paul wrote that, “He who loves his wife loves himself.” (Ephesians 5:28) If you treat your spouse with honor, you also benefit.
If you value your spouse, you will listen to him or her, even when you don’t agree with what they are saying. You will care about how they are feeling, even if their feelings don’t make sense to you.
Maybe you’ve heard the story of Johnny Lingo and his wife Sarita. You can read the entire story if you can find a copy of the February, 1988, Readers Digest, or the November, 1965, Woman’s Day. Johnny Lingo was known in the islands as a wealthy young man and a smart trader, but no one could understand why he paid eight cows for his wife. A man in his community could get a beautiful wife for four or five cows. No one had ever paid eight cows. The woman he wanted to marry was considered plain and her friends assumed her father would do well to negotiate for one cow for Sarita. But Johnny, without negotiation, quickly offered eight. The author of the story had heard about the price Johnny paid for his plain looking wife, but when the author met Sarita she was amazed at Sarita’s beauty and bearing. Still puzzled, she asked Johnny why he had paid such a high price for Sarita. He explained two things, 1) “I wanted her and no other woman,” and 2) “I wanted an eight cow wife.” The esteem that Johnny gave his wife resulted in her seeing herself as having great value. She lived accordingly and her innate beauty that others hadn’t seen before came shining through.
Many times people will feel disrespected by their spouse. If you do, you have three choices:
1. Fight for respect. This doesn’t often work. If you fight, you probably are only going to get a fight back.
2. Show disrespect. Many people respond to disrespect with disrespect. That seems fair, but the likely result is that your spouse is going to return even more disrespect. This can send your marriage into a downward spiral that is difficult to recover from.
3. Give more respect. Give and it will be given to you.
Many people read the words of Jesus, “Give and it will be given to you,” and think He was primarily talking about money. He was talking about mercy.
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (Luke 6:37-38)
If you treat your spouse with more respect and honor, your spouse will treat you with more respect. This is the most important ingredient in a healthy marriage and you can only get more by giving more.
The key to a healthy marriage is for two people to treat each other with honor and respect. We may have a tendency to value each other for things that don’t last, such as:
Good Looks – Almost everyone is more attractive when they are young than when they are old. If we want to have mutual respect in a life-long relationship, we are going to value each other based on something deeper than looks.
Money – Money comes and goes. Someone who is rich today will be poor later and someone who is nearly penniless today will have great wealth next week.
Intelligence – I respected my Father for his intelligence, but in the last 10 years of his life, his mind eroded with dementia. I still respected him.
Here are some lasting things we can base our value for each other on.
God Gave Us to Each Other – If you honor God, you are going to honor the one He gave you and told you to value.
We Committed Our Lives to Each Other – In general, homeowners take better care of their homes than renters. The difference is commitment. If you meant what you said when you married each other, this gives your reason enough to value each other.
We Are Building a Life Together – Paul wrote that, “He who loves his wife loves himself.” (Ephesians 5:28) If you treat your spouse with honor, you also benefit.
If you value your spouse, you will listen to him or her, even when you don’t agree with what they are saying. You will care about how they are feeling, even if their feelings don’t make sense to you.
Maybe you’ve heard the story of Johnny Lingo and his wife Sarita. You can read the entire story if you can find a copy of the February, 1988, Readers Digest, or the November, 1965, Woman’s Day. Johnny Lingo was known in the islands as a wealthy young man and a smart trader, but no one could understand why he paid eight cows for his wife. A man in his community could get a beautiful wife for four or five cows. No one had ever paid eight cows. The woman he wanted to marry was considered plain and her friends assumed her father would do well to negotiate for one cow for Sarita. But Johnny, without negotiation, quickly offered eight. The author of the story had heard about the price Johnny paid for his plain looking wife, but when the author met Sarita she was amazed at Sarita’s beauty and bearing. Still puzzled, she asked Johnny why he had paid such a high price for Sarita. He explained two things, 1) “I wanted her and no other woman,” and 2) “I wanted an eight cow wife.” The esteem that Johnny gave his wife resulted in her seeing herself as having great value. She lived accordingly and her innate beauty that others hadn’t seen before came shining through.
Many times people will feel disrespected by their spouse. If you do, you have three choices:
1. Fight for respect. This doesn’t often work. If you fight, you probably are only going to get a fight back.
2. Show disrespect. Many people respond to disrespect with disrespect. That seems fair, but the likely result is that your spouse is going to return even more disrespect. This can send your marriage into a downward spiral that is difficult to recover from.
3. Give more respect. Give and it will be given to you.
Many people read the words of Jesus, “Give and it will be given to you,” and think He was primarily talking about money. He was talking about mercy.
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (Luke 6:37-38)
If you treat your spouse with more respect and honor, your spouse will treat you with more respect. This is the most important ingredient in a healthy marriage and you can only get more by giving more.
Wednesday, May 27, 2020
In Sickness
Betsy wanted to leave her husband, and she came to us seeking approval. She was in a second marriage that had never gone very well. She thought that she shouldn’t have married this man in the first place. Now her husband was facing an illness that she expected to gradually take away his ability to work or to speak clearly. She expected that he would need a lot of care and more each year until he died. She hadn’t planned on this and wanted out. We couldn’t give her the approval she was asking for. (It’s always puzzling to see people seek approval from others when they know they are doing wrong.) We told her instead that she should stay and find a new depth to her love and commitment.
We were given to each other in marriage to help each other. Sometimes the needs of one increase, creating more responsibility for the other. We see this principle in this passage.
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)
If your spouse becomes ill, it’s time for you to step up as their closest friend.
We believe that God hears and answers prayer and it's great when people are healed in answer to prayer. However, we want to offer help to couples who are enduring illness.
Here are some principles that may be helpful if you face illness in your marriage.
Thank God for Small Things, Thank God for Big Things – A hard year or a hard decade can get a person down. We can find joy, though, if we thank God for today’s small blessings and for God’s eternal promises. If you are down, you can benefit from focusing on a smaller picture, thanking God for today’s daily bread. You can also benefit from focusing on a larger picture, thanking Him for His promise never to leave you and to give you eternal life. When Naomi said, “The LORD has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me.” (Ruth 1:21), she was focusing on the tough times of the previous few years. Later, when she said, “He has not stopped showing His kindness to the living and the dead,” (Ruth 2:20) she was focusing on that day’s blessings. By the end of the book of Ruth, we can see the big picture of what God was doing in Naomi’s life. By then, her friends are praising God for His goodness to Naomi. If the picture you are looking at seems scary or depressing, stand back and look at the bigger picture, or move in and look at encouraging details.
For example, suppose your spouse has become very ill and the doctor hasn’t been able to find an explanation. You’ve been in and out of the hospital and the doctor has brought up the possibility of long-term nursing care. You are worried about your medical bills and wonder if your spouse will ever recover. You worry how you will manage if you lose your spouse. You can find joy in the simple blessings of this day. You can thank God for a meal you particularly enjoyed or thank Him that you slept better last night than you had been. You can also find joy in focusing on the bigger picture. No matter what happens, you can thank God for the years you and your spouse have had together. You can thank Him for the promise of being reunited in heaven. You can thank Him that He is always with you, even in hard times.
Recognize Your Primary Purpose – Jesus said that two commands define the most important things we have to do in life.
Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' (Matthew 22:37-39)
Loving others is your second most important responsibility. If you have a spouse who is sick, you have a unique opportunity to show them love. Many other things can wait, but you can show them love with simple acts of service and by just spending time with them.
Get Help – We were never meant to go through life alone. When you need help, ask for it. Someone else’s life will be enriched with the opportunity to help you in some practical way. Call your family members or your church when you need someone to run an errand or take care of something around your house that you don’t have time or strength to do yourself.
Do Your Best, Trust God With the Rest – Sometimes people struggle with guilt over decisions they made when a spouse was sick. When the doctor starts asking questions about what medical help you want or don’t want, these decisions can feel overwhelming. Make your decisions based on love. If you feel confused, talk it over with someone you trust. Ask God for guidance. He promises to give it.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3: 5-6)
Honor whatever wishes your spouse has expressed. When you’ve done what you can, pray and trust God. Don’t spend energy mulling over what you would have or could have done. Your spouse’s life is in God’s hands and if you have acted in love, you need not regret your decisions.
We were given to each other in marriage to help each other. Sometimes the needs of one increase, creating more responsibility for the other. We see this principle in this passage.
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)
If your spouse becomes ill, it’s time for you to step up as their closest friend.
We believe that God hears and answers prayer and it's great when people are healed in answer to prayer. However, we want to offer help to couples who are enduring illness.
Here are some principles that may be helpful if you face illness in your marriage.
Thank God for Small Things, Thank God for Big Things – A hard year or a hard decade can get a person down. We can find joy, though, if we thank God for today’s small blessings and for God’s eternal promises. If you are down, you can benefit from focusing on a smaller picture, thanking God for today’s daily bread. You can also benefit from focusing on a larger picture, thanking Him for His promise never to leave you and to give you eternal life. When Naomi said, “The LORD has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me.” (Ruth 1:21), she was focusing on the tough times of the previous few years. Later, when she said, “He has not stopped showing His kindness to the living and the dead,” (Ruth 2:20) she was focusing on that day’s blessings. By the end of the book of Ruth, we can see the big picture of what God was doing in Naomi’s life. By then, her friends are praising God for His goodness to Naomi. If the picture you are looking at seems scary or depressing, stand back and look at the bigger picture, or move in and look at encouraging details.
For example, suppose your spouse has become very ill and the doctor hasn’t been able to find an explanation. You’ve been in and out of the hospital and the doctor has brought up the possibility of long-term nursing care. You are worried about your medical bills and wonder if your spouse will ever recover. You worry how you will manage if you lose your spouse. You can find joy in the simple blessings of this day. You can thank God for a meal you particularly enjoyed or thank Him that you slept better last night than you had been. You can also find joy in focusing on the bigger picture. No matter what happens, you can thank God for the years you and your spouse have had together. You can thank Him for the promise of being reunited in heaven. You can thank Him that He is always with you, even in hard times.
Recognize Your Primary Purpose – Jesus said that two commands define the most important things we have to do in life.
Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' (Matthew 22:37-39)
Loving others is your second most important responsibility. If you have a spouse who is sick, you have a unique opportunity to show them love. Many other things can wait, but you can show them love with simple acts of service and by just spending time with them.
Get Help – We were never meant to go through life alone. When you need help, ask for it. Someone else’s life will be enriched with the opportunity to help you in some practical way. Call your family members or your church when you need someone to run an errand or take care of something around your house that you don’t have time or strength to do yourself.
Do Your Best, Trust God With the Rest – Sometimes people struggle with guilt over decisions they made when a spouse was sick. When the doctor starts asking questions about what medical help you want or don’t want, these decisions can feel overwhelming. Make your decisions based on love. If you feel confused, talk it over with someone you trust. Ask God for guidance. He promises to give it.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3: 5-6)
Honor whatever wishes your spouse has expressed. When you’ve done what you can, pray and trust God. Don’t spend energy mulling over what you would have or could have done. Your spouse’s life is in God’s hands and if you have acted in love, you need not regret your decisions.
Wednesday, May 20, 2020
Praying Together
Do you think your marriage would be any different if Jesus lived at your house, joined you for dinner, helped you plan your finances, and intervened when you argued? It’s hard to imagine things not improving if Jesus was there all the time. That’s just what He wants, to be there all time. Praying together is one of the most powerful tools you have for welcoming God into your daily lives.
Here are some simple principles of prayer that apply to marriage.
And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him. (Matthew 6:5-8)
In this passage Jesus taught that prayer:
Why should we pray together?
For one thing, Jesus taught us about the power of praying in agreement.
“Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.” (Matthew 18:19)
Praying together also adds a dimension to our relationship with each other. It’s difficult to disrespect each other when we are together honoring the One who made us both. We can often communicate more effectively about things when we have talked together to God about it.
Why is it hard for some couples to pray together? Praying together with your spouse has so many benefits that it is well worth overcoming whatever obstacles you may find. Here are some of the things that may stand in the way of couples praying together.
If you find that your prayers are superficial, you may also need to deepen your Bible study, to see more of what is in God’s heart and how He works in the lives of people. Serving others will also add a dimension to your prayer life.
Here are some simple principles of prayer that apply to marriage.
And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him. (Matthew 6:5-8)
In this passage Jesus taught that prayer:
- Is not a show, so we shouldn’t be worrying about how we sound or what anyone else is thinking.
- Is talking to God and we can expect Him to hear and answer prayer.
- Shouldn’t involve the repetition of empty words, so we can pray in plain English about the daily issues that are on our minds.
Why should we pray together?
For one thing, Jesus taught us about the power of praying in agreement.
“Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.” (Matthew 18:19)
Praying together also adds a dimension to our relationship with each other. It’s difficult to disrespect each other when we are together honoring the One who made us both. We can often communicate more effectively about things when we have talked together to God about it.
Why is it hard for some couples to pray together? Praying together with your spouse has so many benefits that it is well worth overcoming whatever obstacles you may find. Here are some of the things that may stand in the way of couples praying together.
- Time pressure – Life is always going to seem busy, but you will always find time for the things you think are important. Even a few minutes each day spent together in prayer will be well worth the time you put into it.
- Disrespect – It can be tough for a couple who has been treating each other with disrespect to sit down and pray together. They know they are going to have to change their attitude to be able to pray sincerely. This is one great reason for praying together despite whatever disagreements or disrespect you may have had with each other. If you have been arguing or insulting each other, don’t bring that into your prayer, other than repenting and asking God to show you both His will.
- Discomfort – Some people are uncomfortable praying out loud around other people, sometimes even more uncomfortable with their spouse or with their family. This is something you just need to get over through practice. Make it a point to pray together. Pray out loud. Keep it simple. If your spouse is the one who is uncomfortable, avoid any criticism of the way he or she prays.
- Shallow Relationship With God – When I was in elementary school, a Sunday School teacher impressed on us the importance of a regular prayer life. I decided to begin to pray each night as I went to bed. For a couple of days I asked God to bless my family, help me in school, and keep my friends safe from harm. After about three days of that, I really couldn’t think of anything else that needed to be said, so I prayed, “God, you know, the usual. Amen.” After a day or two of that, I quit praying at bedtime at all. My problem was that I had a very shallow relationship with God. There really were many more things on my mind, but I didn’t see God as a part of my daily life, so I didn’t think about talking to God about them. I wasn’t thinking about God’s plan for my future, so I wasn’t thinking of praying about the future. I wasn’t aware of how much God loved everyone else, so I wasn’t praying for others at my school to find God. There really were many things I could have been praying about.
If you find that your prayers are superficial, you may also need to deepen your Bible study, to see more of what is in God’s heart and how He works in the lives of people. Serving others will also add a dimension to your prayer life.
Tuesday, May 12, 2020
Giving Your Attention
Why did Absalom set Joab's barley field on fire? He just wanted to talk to him.
In 2 Samuel 14:29-31 Absalom wanted to talk to Joab. He wanted Joab to be a mediator between Absalom and Absalom's Dad, David. Absalom sent for Joab, but he refused to meet with Absalom. He tried a second time and Joab still refused. So Absalom had his servants set Joab's barley field on fire. Then Joab showed up and asked the obvious question, "Why have your servants set my field on fire?" Absalom set Joab's barley field on fire because he wasn't getting his attention otherwise.
Maybe your spouse has done something that seems crazy and a big overreaction. In some cases your spouse may be crying out for the opportunity to talk about something important, feeling like they can't really get your attention.
Some married couples have poor communication because they just don't allow time for it. There's always something to do and having a good talk gets pushed aside.
We've always believed that a couple needs to make sure that every day they have an opportunity to ask each other, "How are you doing?" and then listen to the answer.
Sometimes couples don't connect because one wants to talk about the problem while the other wants to get to the solution. Men are stereotypically focused on finding a solution, while women are stereotypically more interested in a good listener than a problem solver. This short clip on youtube illustrates that difference (mostly from a man's perspective) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
Other couples communicate well on most topics but have some subjects that they avoid because they know there is going to be conflict. Friends of ours have scheduled an occasional planning retreat. This is a trip for 2 or 3 days just for the two of them. They plan time for relaxation, but also time to discuss and plan some of the more challenging areas of married life, such as money and parenting.
We don't recommend that you set anything on fire. We recommend that you work at communication so neither of you feels like you have to start a fire to get your spouse's attention.
In 2 Samuel 14:29-31 Absalom wanted to talk to Joab. He wanted Joab to be a mediator between Absalom and Absalom's Dad, David. Absalom sent for Joab, but he refused to meet with Absalom. He tried a second time and Joab still refused. So Absalom had his servants set Joab's barley field on fire. Then Joab showed up and asked the obvious question, "Why have your servants set my field on fire?" Absalom set Joab's barley field on fire because he wasn't getting his attention otherwise.
Maybe your spouse has done something that seems crazy and a big overreaction. In some cases your spouse may be crying out for the opportunity to talk about something important, feeling like they can't really get your attention.
Some married couples have poor communication because they just don't allow time for it. There's always something to do and having a good talk gets pushed aside.
We've always believed that a couple needs to make sure that every day they have an opportunity to ask each other, "How are you doing?" and then listen to the answer.
Sometimes couples don't connect because one wants to talk about the problem while the other wants to get to the solution. Men are stereotypically focused on finding a solution, while women are stereotypically more interested in a good listener than a problem solver. This short clip on youtube illustrates that difference (mostly from a man's perspective) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
Other couples communicate well on most topics but have some subjects that they avoid because they know there is going to be conflict. Friends of ours have scheduled an occasional planning retreat. This is a trip for 2 or 3 days just for the two of them. They plan time for relaxation, but also time to discuss and plan some of the more challenging areas of married life, such as money and parenting.
We don't recommend that you set anything on fire. We recommend that you work at communication so neither of you feels like you have to start a fire to get your spouse's attention.
Friday, May 8, 2020
Love and Respect
Emerson Eggerichs wrote Love and Respect and several books that build from Ephesians 5:33, "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." He has observed that when a woman feels unloved she may respond in ways that feel disrespectful and when a man feels disrespected he may respond in ways that feel unloving. When this pattern gains momentum with a couple, Eggerichs calls it the "Crazy Cycle." What he recommends instead is for the man to offer unconditional love and for the woman to offer unconditional respect.
But Eggerichs urges us not to overreact when our marriages have crazy moments. 1 Corinthians 7:28 says, "But those who marry will face many troubles in this life." He believes that we will all have a few turns on the crazy cycle, but we need to learn how to end it in a healthy way.
One of the most heated disagreements Shirley and I ever had was early in our marriage. We were headed home from a Sunday night church service. I had to get up the next morning to work in an auto factory at a job I pretty much hated. My mission was to get home and get to bed as quickly as possible so I could at least feel refreshed when I got up in the morning to face my commute to work. Shirley had sung in the church choir, was thirsty, and said, "Pull over so I can get something to drink." (This was a few years before McDonald's or Burger King opened their first drive-through windows.) I said, "No," kept driving home, and went straight to bed. Shirley was unwilling to let this end there and started flipping the bedroom light switch on and off until I got up to explain myself. I don't remember what happened next but we stayed married without violence or separation.
This is a funny memory to us now because there is so much more love and respect in our marriage that every step in the story would be different. I would be less stressed knowing that a few minutes of sleep wouldn't make a big difference. She would understand how I was feeling. I would understand how she was feeling. She would ask nicer. I would not ignore her thirst. There would be a drive-through open. We would have ice and root beer at home and wouldn't need to stop anyway. Churches don't have Sunday night services much anymore. But if this was our grandparents' story from early in their marriage, they wouldn't have had a light switch to flip on and off.
But Eggerichs urges us not to overreact when our marriages have crazy moments. 1 Corinthians 7:28 says, "But those who marry will face many troubles in this life." He believes that we will all have a few turns on the crazy cycle, but we need to learn how to end it in a healthy way.
One of the most heated disagreements Shirley and I ever had was early in our marriage. We were headed home from a Sunday night church service. I had to get up the next morning to work in an auto factory at a job I pretty much hated. My mission was to get home and get to bed as quickly as possible so I could at least feel refreshed when I got up in the morning to face my commute to work. Shirley had sung in the church choir, was thirsty, and said, "Pull over so I can get something to drink." (This was a few years before McDonald's or Burger King opened their first drive-through windows.) I said, "No," kept driving home, and went straight to bed. Shirley was unwilling to let this end there and started flipping the bedroom light switch on and off until I got up to explain myself. I don't remember what happened next but we stayed married without violence or separation.
This is a funny memory to us now because there is so much more love and respect in our marriage that every step in the story would be different. I would be less stressed knowing that a few minutes of sleep wouldn't make a big difference. She would understand how I was feeling. I would understand how she was feeling. She would ask nicer. I would not ignore her thirst. There would be a drive-through open. We would have ice and root beer at home and wouldn't need to stop anyway. Churches don't have Sunday night services much anymore. But if this was our grandparents' story from early in their marriage, they wouldn't have had a light switch to flip on and off.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)