Forbearance

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13)

Shirley and I both snore. It can be very annoying to be awake while your spouse snores, but we don’t let it damage our marriage. Sometimes we use earplugs, sometimes we push on our spouse to get them into a better position, but we don’t fight over it. Forbearance is the choice to put up with a weakness, failure, or annoyance, on the part of another person. You need forbearance in every human relationship – your boss, your mother, the waitress, and the paper carrier. If you don’t have the ability to forbear, life is going to make you crazy.

Colossians 3:13 mentions both forbearance and forgiveness. They are not the same thing. Forbearance applies to things that aren’t really hurtful but aren’t what you’d like. Forgiveness applies to the times you have been wronged. You're going to need both.

Any married couple will have hundreds of things that they do differently. Many of them will impact their spouse, especially use of time, money, the house, and other possessions. Many of these differences call for forbearance.

Forbearance is the choice to let something go and not affect your relationship.

Just because you haven’t said anything about something, doesn’t mean you are forbearing. If you are carrying resentment or can’t let go of something, you aren’t forbearing. If something bothers you, you only have two healthy alternatives: let it go or talk about it in a constructive way. If you can’t let it go, you’d better talk about it. If you hold it in, it may come bubbling to the surface at just the wrong time.

In a casual relationship, you may find it easy to let a lot of things go because they don’t have much impact on you. In marriage lots of things our spouse does impact us every day. This is one reason that couples may start fighting more after they are married than they ever did when they were single.

However, in marriage, there are so many things you face; it isn’t worth making an issue about them all. You just have to let some things go.

Forbearance for Now – Some forbearance is temporary because you know the issue will go away. You may not like changing your baby’s diaper, but you expect that you won’t always have to.

Forbearance Until the Time is Right - In some cases the issue isn’t going away by itself, but you may have to exercise temporary forbearance because the time isn’t right for bringing it up.  Maybe you feel you need more quality time from your spouse, but they are having to work overtime for the next month.  You may decide that this is a bad time to bring this up and that your concerns can wait for a few more weeks until your spouse gets back on a normal work schedule. If you make this choice, forbearance means you won’t allow resentment or anger to take root in your heart.

If, instead, you begin to make rude remarks and drop little hints, you might think you are setting the stage for the talk you want to have later. It is more likely that you will undermine that future talk. You may irritate your spouse on this subject without ever giving them the opportunity to respond in a constructive way.

Ongoing Forbearance – Some of the things we need to forbear are not going to change with time.  Accepting each other for who we are is essential for us to live in harmony for a lifetime.

Increased Forbearance – As we age, we might slow down, snore more, hear less, or change in other ways that become annoying.  Married couples might find new areas that call for forbearance as they get older.  Since God intended our marriage to last a lifetime, we need to increase forbearance to match our changing circumstances.  You may have learned to forbear your spouse’s “skid marks,” but later need to forbear their incontinence.  The principal from Ecclesiastes 4:10, “If either of them falls down, one can help the other up,” becomes even more important when we are falling more often.