In marriage there are thousands of opportunities for minor conflict, such as, whether the toilet seat is up or down and where the dirty socks go. But there are a few opportunities for major disagreement, such as, where you will live, whether you will try to have more children, and who will work.
We believe that marriage should be based on mutual respect, and that major decisions shouldn’t be made without both partners being in agreement. If you can’t agree on a major decision, we recommend that you pray about it together, daily, until you are both in agreement. We have practiced this ourselves for several major decisions in our lives. We found that when we pray persistently, we not only come into agreement with each other, but we gain the peace of knowing that we are following God’s will.
We once decided to spend a season of our lives living in a tough neighborhood as volunteers for an inner city ministry. We left a comfortable house in a safe neighborhood that we had lived in for 19 years and moved to a different state. It was not an easy decision. However, because we spent several weeks praying diligently before we made this decision, we made the move with peace and harmony.
Some couples find it hard to pray together out loud. In some cases, one may be comfortable praying aloud with their spouse while the other finds it difficult. You can overcome the discomfort by starting to pray together in simple ways. If you're the one who is uncomfortable praying aloud, start with something easy like thanking God for your meal. Once you are used to praying together, you will find that you are able to pray together about things great and small.
Suppose you are considering taking a new job in a different state. There may be several factors to consider, such as, increased income, moving away from or closer to friends and/or family, climate, comfort with your current home, the adventure of moving to a new home, etc. In many cases you both really want most of the same things, but place differing weights on these factors. You both would appreciate more income, you both want a home you like, you both value friends and family. The more you talk and pray, the more your thoughts will come into alignment.
Waiting on major decisions until you are in agreement takes respect for each other and trust in God to lead you. However, if you will exercise patience and faith, we are convinced you will be pleased with the results.
Thursday, April 30, 2020
Tuesday, April 21, 2020
For Better
Traditional marriage vows include "for better or for worse." Why should we be concerned with "better." Isn't it only "worse" that will challenge our marriage?
When Ted finished high school, he was happy to get a job at the local factory. He was a blue collar guy, carried his lunch pail, and worked hard. He pictured himself staying in that job until he retired. He enjoyed life with his wife and kids, and found time to fish and hunt.
As Ted grew in his job, others began to rely on him for help and direction. He began to realize that he was smarter than he had thought when he struggled through high school. When he was offered the opportunity to be a manager and wear a shirt and tie to work, something shifted in his self image. He saw himself as smart and important. He began to look at his wife, and even his kids, as being beneath him.
At social events with his co-workers Ted began to think another woman was attracted to him. She was smart and pretty and he looked at her as being in a different league from his wife. Flirtation led to an affair and the affair led to a divorce. Ted tried to begin a new life with the other woman, but found that happiness with her was only a mirage. She could never really trust him, because she saw him as a man who would leave his wife. After all, he had left his wife to be with her.
Sometimes "success" in life destroys a marriage. There are women who have worked to get their husband through medical school, only to be dumped for another woman after her husband became established in his career. There are men who encouraged their wives to pursue education or career, and were left when their wives began to gain newfound confidence.
The key to avoiding this pitfall is seeing yourself and your spouse as God sees you. God has taught us not to put ourselves or anyone else in classes or leagues. He has taught us not to think of ourselves as better than anyone else. He has taught us that we are all gifted and we are all loved. If you see yourself as gifted and loved by God now, encountering success later won’t make your head inflate. You will recognize that your gifts came from God and the doors you walked through were opened by Him.
When Paul writes about using our gifts to serve others, he first warns us not to have an inflated view of ourselves.
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. (Romans 12:3)
Later in the same chapter he shows us that we need to ignore the barriers that often separate people, and to treat everyone with respect.
Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. (Romans 12:16)
You need to nurture a healthy attitude toward your spouse, viewing him or her as the one God has given to you to help you in this life. Adam had the benefit of having no one else to compare Eve to, other than the animals. Since Adam could only compare Eve with porcupines and lizards, he would have been in awe of her. We can each maintain that awe if we keep a humble view of ourselves and a grateful attitude toward the One who gave us our spouse.
In Malachi the Lord tells us that He hates divorce. He says, Another thing you do: You flood the LORD's altar with tears. You weep and wail because He no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His. And why one? Because He was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith. (Malachi 2:13-16)
God is speaking to us married folks when He says twice, “guard yourself in your spirit.” There are many wrong attitudes to guard ourselves against, and thinking we have become too good for our spouse is one of them.
In verse 14 He says, “she is your partner.” The Hebrew word for partner “chabereth” is from a root word “chabar”, which means to unite. If we are partners, then whatever success, failure, hardship, and joy we face in life belongs to both of us. If things come along that are “better” than we were expecting, we should enjoy them together.
When Ted finished high school, he was happy to get a job at the local factory. He was a blue collar guy, carried his lunch pail, and worked hard. He pictured himself staying in that job until he retired. He enjoyed life with his wife and kids, and found time to fish and hunt.
As Ted grew in his job, others began to rely on him for help and direction. He began to realize that he was smarter than he had thought when he struggled through high school. When he was offered the opportunity to be a manager and wear a shirt and tie to work, something shifted in his self image. He saw himself as smart and important. He began to look at his wife, and even his kids, as being beneath him.
At social events with his co-workers Ted began to think another woman was attracted to him. She was smart and pretty and he looked at her as being in a different league from his wife. Flirtation led to an affair and the affair led to a divorce. Ted tried to begin a new life with the other woman, but found that happiness with her was only a mirage. She could never really trust him, because she saw him as a man who would leave his wife. After all, he had left his wife to be with her.
Sometimes "success" in life destroys a marriage. There are women who have worked to get their husband through medical school, only to be dumped for another woman after her husband became established in his career. There are men who encouraged their wives to pursue education or career, and were left when their wives began to gain newfound confidence.
The key to avoiding this pitfall is seeing yourself and your spouse as God sees you. God has taught us not to put ourselves or anyone else in classes or leagues. He has taught us not to think of ourselves as better than anyone else. He has taught us that we are all gifted and we are all loved. If you see yourself as gifted and loved by God now, encountering success later won’t make your head inflate. You will recognize that your gifts came from God and the doors you walked through were opened by Him.
When Paul writes about using our gifts to serve others, he first warns us not to have an inflated view of ourselves.
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. (Romans 12:3)
Later in the same chapter he shows us that we need to ignore the barriers that often separate people, and to treat everyone with respect.
Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. (Romans 12:16)
You need to nurture a healthy attitude toward your spouse, viewing him or her as the one God has given to you to help you in this life. Adam had the benefit of having no one else to compare Eve to, other than the animals. Since Adam could only compare Eve with porcupines and lizards, he would have been in awe of her. We can each maintain that awe if we keep a humble view of ourselves and a grateful attitude toward the One who gave us our spouse.
In Malachi the Lord tells us that He hates divorce. He says, Another thing you do: You flood the LORD's altar with tears. You weep and wail because He no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His. And why one? Because He was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith. (Malachi 2:13-16)
God is speaking to us married folks when He says twice, “guard yourself in your spirit.” There are many wrong attitudes to guard ourselves against, and thinking we have become too good for our spouse is one of them.
In verse 14 He says, “she is your partner.” The Hebrew word for partner “chabereth” is from a root word “chabar”, which means to unite. If we are partners, then whatever success, failure, hardship, and joy we face in life belongs to both of us. If things come along that are “better” than we were expecting, we should enjoy them together.
Wednesday, April 15, 2020
Time Styles
In their book, Your Time-Starved Marriage, Les and
Leslie Parrot introduce the concept of “time styles,” saying that we don’t all
experience time in the same way. A
husband and a wife often look at time differently. The Parrots describe four styles, depending on
whether a person’s time is normally scheduled or unscheduled and whether a
person is focused on the present or the future.
They call the person who is unscheduled and focused on the
present, the “Improviser.”
The person who is scheduled and focused on the present they
call, the “Manager.”
The scheduled person who is focused on the future is called
the “Planner.”
If you are unscheduled and future oriented, they would call
you the “Dreamer.”
This useful concept can help us to recognize some of our
differences and gives us the opportunity to show each other respect. I fit the Parrots’ definition of a Planner
and if I ask Shirley what time dinner will be ready, I’m expecting a specific
answer like 5:30. That would give me the
opportunity to know what else I have time to do before dinner. Shirley, who fits their definition of an
Improviser, will give me an answer that names the things that remain to be
done. Her answer is that dinner will be
ready when she’s done this, this, and that.
Of course, that gives me the opportunity to offer help with one of those
tasks.
Because I'm a scheduled person, being on time has always been important to me, even if I forget
to wear a belt. Because Shirley is unscheduled, being completely ready, even if she’s a little late, has always
been important to Shirley. This used to be a source of tension in our marriage. Because we understand and respect each other, we've learned to support each other. With these differences it is more useful for us to understand and support
each other than it is to fight over the differences.
Like all our differences, if we treat each other with mutual
respect our differences in time styles become a gift to each other. If I treat my spouse with respect, her
different view of things gives me the opportunity to see things where I may
have otherwise had a blind spot.
Shirley’s focus on the present has often made her more compassionate
when we are talking to someone who is going through hard times. My future focus has often resulted in trying
to help someone develop a to-do list to fix their problem when a listening ear
and a compassionate heart would have been more useful.
Thursday, April 9, 2020
Running the Whole Race
A distance runner doesn’t consider himself successful until he crosses the finish line. No one would say that they have had a successful marriage unless they have stayed married and have done well as long as they both live. 20 years of successful marriage, followed by a divorce, is not a successful marriage. It is a failed marriage.
To finish well in your marriage, you will have to work at it.
Warning Signs – Marriages seldom fail abruptly. There are usually warning signs that tell you something needs attention. If your car starts to wobble when you drive it, you know that something needs to be fixed. If you ignore the signs and keep driving, the problem probably won't correct itself. If you feel like you are drifting apart from your spouse, it is probably because you are drifting apart from your spouse. It is time to recommit yourself to working at the things that nurture marriage.
First Things First – Sometimes times get tough. We may go through unexpected financial or health challenges. Any marriage that lasts will have to go through these tough times. However, sometimes couples will confuse life’s normal challenges with unusual circumstances. They may develop habits that aren’t healthy, but justify them by thinking that they'll do better when life settles down. Maybe next year when the kids are a little older we’ll start having a date night. Maybe when we get a few bills paid off, I can cut back on my work schedule and we can have more family time.
Whoever watches the wind will not plant; whoever looks at the clouds will not reap. (Ecclesiastes 11:4)
Planting and reaping are the two most essential actions if you hope to live off of what the land produces. The verse above shows that someone who is waiting for perfect conditions will foolishly neglect to plant or reap. There are very few days with no wind. If you are going to plant, you will probably have to tolerate a little wind. Most days have a few clouds. You will need to reap and not wait for a forecast of 0% chance of rain.
There are essential actions you need to take to nurture your marriage. You will never have perfect conditions. There will always be other things competing for your attention. Don’t fail to spend time together and don’t fail to work at effective communication.
Marriages sometimes die of neglect while couples are giving their attention to things that are ultimately much less important.
Renewal – Marriages sometimes lose their spark and can benefit from renewal. Many couples, particularly those with children at home, have found a vacation for just the two of them brings a fresh joy in their marriage. A friend of ours had been a mother for about 15 years. She and her husband had taken regular vacations with their family, but hadn’t been away as a couple without the children for a long time. They spent just a few days away and found a new spark in their relationship. She said, “I’d forgotten how much I really like this person I married.”
If you have children at home, arranging a vacation for just the two of you may seem too complicated and too expensive. However, refreshing your marriage will have lasting value. We expect that you will find that the effort and expense you put into getting away as a couple will be well worth it.
Other couples have found renewal in a marriage retreat or seminar. We have seen some couples experience a great change in their marriage after only a weekend away at a marriage retreat.
Counseling – If you are having trouble making your marriage healthy, you may want to consider some marriage counseling. Many people, especially men, will shy away from counseling because they feel like they are admitting defeat at something they should be able to succeed at. Don’t look at marriage counseling as defeat. People often turn to coaches to help them improve at something. Even the greatest golfers in the world have coaches who work with them.
If you are going to go to a counselor, find someone who will treat both of you with respect and will treat marriage with respect. A woman going to a counselor who dislikes men or a man going to a counselor who dislikes women, is not likely to find any help in building their marriage. We had a friend who was having marital troubles. She went to a counselor who listened to one side of the story (the wife’s), offered a label for her husband’s behavior, and told her the only thing she could do to solve her problems was to leave her husband. This was not helpful counseling.
If you are considering marriage counseling, we’d suggest you begin by making an appointment with your pastor, or a staff member at your church who offers pastoral counseling.
To finish well in your marriage, you will have to work at it.
Warning Signs – Marriages seldom fail abruptly. There are usually warning signs that tell you something needs attention. If your car starts to wobble when you drive it, you know that something needs to be fixed. If you ignore the signs and keep driving, the problem probably won't correct itself. If you feel like you are drifting apart from your spouse, it is probably because you are drifting apart from your spouse. It is time to recommit yourself to working at the things that nurture marriage.
First Things First – Sometimes times get tough. We may go through unexpected financial or health challenges. Any marriage that lasts will have to go through these tough times. However, sometimes couples will confuse life’s normal challenges with unusual circumstances. They may develop habits that aren’t healthy, but justify them by thinking that they'll do better when life settles down. Maybe next year when the kids are a little older we’ll start having a date night. Maybe when we get a few bills paid off, I can cut back on my work schedule and we can have more family time.
Whoever watches the wind will not plant; whoever looks at the clouds will not reap. (Ecclesiastes 11:4)
Planting and reaping are the two most essential actions if you hope to live off of what the land produces. The verse above shows that someone who is waiting for perfect conditions will foolishly neglect to plant or reap. There are very few days with no wind. If you are going to plant, you will probably have to tolerate a little wind. Most days have a few clouds. You will need to reap and not wait for a forecast of 0% chance of rain.
There are essential actions you need to take to nurture your marriage. You will never have perfect conditions. There will always be other things competing for your attention. Don’t fail to spend time together and don’t fail to work at effective communication.
Marriages sometimes die of neglect while couples are giving their attention to things that are ultimately much less important.
Renewal – Marriages sometimes lose their spark and can benefit from renewal. Many couples, particularly those with children at home, have found a vacation for just the two of them brings a fresh joy in their marriage. A friend of ours had been a mother for about 15 years. She and her husband had taken regular vacations with their family, but hadn’t been away as a couple without the children for a long time. They spent just a few days away and found a new spark in their relationship. She said, “I’d forgotten how much I really like this person I married.”
If you have children at home, arranging a vacation for just the two of you may seem too complicated and too expensive. However, refreshing your marriage will have lasting value. We expect that you will find that the effort and expense you put into getting away as a couple will be well worth it.
Other couples have found renewal in a marriage retreat or seminar. We have seen some couples experience a great change in their marriage after only a weekend away at a marriage retreat.
Counseling – If you are having trouble making your marriage healthy, you may want to consider some marriage counseling. Many people, especially men, will shy away from counseling because they feel like they are admitting defeat at something they should be able to succeed at. Don’t look at marriage counseling as defeat. People often turn to coaches to help them improve at something. Even the greatest golfers in the world have coaches who work with them.
If you are going to go to a counselor, find someone who will treat both of you with respect and will treat marriage with respect. A woman going to a counselor who dislikes men or a man going to a counselor who dislikes women, is not likely to find any help in building their marriage. We had a friend who was having marital troubles. She went to a counselor who listened to one side of the story (the wife’s), offered a label for her husband’s behavior, and told her the only thing she could do to solve her problems was to leave her husband. This was not helpful counseling.
If you are considering marriage counseling, we’d suggest you begin by making an appointment with your pastor, or a staff member at your church who offers pastoral counseling.
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