Manipulation

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. (Ephesians 4:15)

Healthy marriages are built on mutual respect. If you respect your spouse, you will want them to do what they do by choice, based on the truth, from a heart of love. You will, therefore, speak the truth in love. Trying to get them to do something by using disrespectful tactics is called manipulation. Manipulation is self-centered because it focuses on getting what you want without maintaining respect for the other person. Manipulation includes:
Lying – It was usually pretty funny when Lucy would lie to Ricky to cover up her latest scheme, but it didn’t add to a healthy marriage. If there is anything you are telling your spouse that isn’t true, it is going to create separation between the two of you and will make your spouse feel taken advantage of and hurt when the truth becomes known.
Insulting – You should be committed to building your spouse up. You may think that you can get him or her to do what you want by insulting them, but you are damaging your relationship and discarding the unique opportunity you have to build your spouse up. You cannot build your spouse up while you are tearing them down.
Violence – If you have become violent with your spouse, you need to ask God to change your heart. You have become so focused on having your way that you have resorted to something completely contrary to what you committed to when you married. You were given to each other to help each other. Violence in your marriage is damaging to the very heart of your relationship.
Threatening – Physical violence has no place in a marriage. Neither do threats of violence. You should both agree that you are not going to use or threaten to use violence on each other.
Nagging – You are nagging if you constantly repeat the same criticism and complaints. The Bible shows us that no one is going to want to live with a nag.
A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping. (Proverbs 19:13)
Find healthy ways to discuss the things that concern you and do not become a nag.
Whining – This technique uses a pathetic sounding voice to complain to your spouse. If you have something constructive to say, say it without the drama.
Shouting – Shouting at your spouse may seem like it gets their attention. However, it damages the mutual respect that is essential to healthy communication. If you need to take a short break to calm down before you can talk in a normal voice, that will be better than shouting at your spouse.
Withdrawing – If you know you are about to lose your temper, walking out of the room may be a better option for a short while. However, staying withdrawn for any length of time is a form of manipulation. Some people will go into a quiet pout to try to manipulate their spouse. Refusing to talk, slamming the door behind you, hanging up on someone during a phone conversation, and withholding normal sexual relations are all forms of manipulation. 
Using Guilt – 

• “After I went to work all day to bring home money to feed the family, you can’t even show a little appreciation by cleaning the house.” 
• “After I went through the pain of childbirth, the least you could do is change a diaper occasionally.” 

You want to develop a relationship with your spouse where you both do things for each other out of love, not guilt. Using guilt may get you what you want for the moment, but it won’t change your spouse’s heart and it won’t create any positive long term results in your marriage.
Using Unfavorable Comparisons With Someone Else – “My mother always had dinner ready by this hour.” “Jenny’s husband doesn’t care what time she comes in at night.” These kinds of comparisons are damaging to your relationship. You should make it your goal to put your spouse in a class by themselves, so you do not want to use these unhealthy comparisons.

Maintaining mutual respect in a marriage is what makes it sweet.  Manipulation tears down mutual respect.

Fresh Air

Sometimes people feel stuck. Stuck in the same old job that you don’t know how to get out of. Stuck in the same old house that you don’t feel like you can afford to move from. Stuck with the same old car that needs more repairs than you can afford. Stuck in a marriage that lost its spark a few years ago. Sometimes a person who feels stuck and restless will make foolish and destructive choices.
We were not designed to keep our nose to the grindstone day after day, year after year. We were designed to lie down and get a good night’s sleep each night. We were designed to take a day off from work each week, thank God for what He has done for us, and reflect on where He is leading us. We were designed to live in seasons, so that there is a rhythm to our lives that changes somewhat throughout the year. Relaxing, taking time off, and getting away from it all can take some faith that God can take care of us without our constant work.
The Bible warns us about working too hard and neglecting rest and relaxation.
In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat – for He grants sleep to those He loves. (Psalm 127:2)
Here are some suggestions for avoiding burning out and for keeping your marriage refreshed.
Sleep – Make a habit of winding down each night and getting a good night’s sleep. If at all possible, keep a similar schedule with your spouse. If one of you has to get up early and the other makes a habit of staying up late and sleeping late, you limit the amount of time you have for each other.
Time Together – Make whatever adjustments you must to your schedule to be able to spend time together every day. If you both working on different shifts, this may seem like it makes childcare easier, but it will take a toll on your marriage. Pray earnestly for God to change your circumstances or give you different jobs so that you have more time together.
Church – Make a family habit of going to church together each week. Find ways to make it a joy and not a burden or a lifeless duty. If you start this habit when your children are small and have a positive attitude yourselves, you will be likely to maintain this habit as your kids grow older. If you have a negative attitude and are critical of the church or its leadership, your children will wonder what is the point of going to church and will begin to rebel against the idea as they get older.
Date Night – Particularly if you have small children, you need to find a babysitter and go do something fun as a couple. It doesn’t need to be expensive. If you don’t feel you can afford a babysitter, arrange to exchange babysitting with another couple. Most couples that take the time for a weekly date night find their communication and appreciation for each other is greatly improved. Most of the couples we have ever met with who were having trouble in their marriage had been neglecting doing anything fun with just the two of them. Almost all of the couples we know that keep a regular date night are succeeding at marriage.
Vacation – Get out of town at least once a year as a family. Find ways to make your vacation something that everyone enjoys. A common mistake with vacations is cramming in too much activity, too much travel, and too much stress. People often joke about needing to get back to work to rest up from their vacation. Your vacation will often give you a fresh perspective on life and refresh your priorities. Choose a vacation that fits the whole family and that the family can enjoy doing together.
There can also be financial stresses during a vacation, as you and your family find many ways to spend money on food, gas, lodging, and activities. Plan with your spouse in advance what you plan to do and what it will cost. You won’t be able to take all the surprises out of the cost of a vacation, but you can certainly limit them. I have found that the more I can pay for in advance, the less concerned I am with the cost of a vacation.
If you are working with limited finances for a vacation, consider inexpensive alternatives such as camping.
If you are self employed, you may find it challenging to take a vacation because of the income you will give up for the time off you are taking. However, you need to regard a vacation as an investment in your family and your health. In the long run, you will be glad you took the time off.

Communicating Little Stuff

Details, Details - A good relationship requires good communication of day to day stuff. What time will you be here? What do you want for dinner? How long will your car be in the shop?

In the many years we have been married, some of our crabbiest days have been on days off. If I was working Monday through Friday, Shirley would begin to compile a mental list of things she wanted me to do or things she wanted us to do together on Saturday. Of course, I had a mental list of my own, that began with sleeping late. The problem would come when we failed to communicate our expectations. We each had at least 10 hours of expectations crammed into 12 hours of daytime. We could have done everything on her list, or we could have done everything on my list. We just couldn’t do both. A short talk, sometime during the week, about what we had planned for Saturday would have eased the tension that seemed to mount during the morning on Saturday when we discovered we were not on the same page.

There is no great skill required in telling someone what time you will show up or what you have planned for Saturday. If you respect each other you will inform each other of the things that are going to have an impact on your daily lives. Perhaps there are a few reasons, though, that keep people from communicating the little details.

·         Past conflicts make some people “gun shy” about communication. If we had a big fight the last time I brought up the fact I was going golfing, maybe it would be easier to just slip out and go without saying anything. The problem, of course, is that will only increase conflict and tension in a marriage.

·         Some people may be so wrapped up in their own thoughts and needs that they simply fail to think about how their plans impact their spouse. When you are married, you are no longer two but one, and you must think about how your plans impact your partner.

·         Some people, especially the newly married, may feel like it’s demeaning or unnecessary to discuss their plans with another person. They may have struggled with their parents for independence when they were teenagers and now feel that grownups don’t have to discuss their plans with others. If you have this attitude, you need to drop it and recognize that good communication is essential to a healthy marriage.

You cannot make your spouse feel respected while leaving him or her in the dark about your plans that impact their life.

We have met with couples that were crying out for better communication in the details of their lives. One or both of them felt disrespected because of the things they weren’t told. Sometimes, though, one or both felt like having to tell their spouse what they had planned was a form of imprisonment. Being married involves becoming one and you need to share with each other these little details.

You may need to look at the calendar together once or twice a week to see what you have planned for the next few days. Taking just a few moments to do that may pay for itself many times over during the week. You may spend two minutes eliminating some conflict that would have taken you two hours to argue about later. You will find that your life is more in order, and your appreciation and understanding of each other is greater.

If you are going to get home later than expected, give your spouse a phone call. We have so many methods of communication available today, there is no excuse for failing to communicate.

Some couples who find it hard to communicate about the details of life, may distance themselves from each other to make it seem as though their lives are in order. They may each eat by themselves, each pursue their own interests, go to bed and get up alone without communication. They may find themselves living in two separate worlds where they only occasionally bump into each other. This isolation may reduce the conflict they once had, but it falls very short of the plan God had for marriage when He talked about two becoming one.

Forbearance

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13)

Shirley and I both snore. It can be very annoying to be awake while your spouse snores, but we don’t let it damage our marriage. Sometimes we use earplugs, sometimes we push on our spouse to get them into a better position, but we don’t fight over it. Forbearance is the choice to put up with a weakness, failure, or annoyance, on the part of another person. You need forbearance in every human relationship – your boss, your mother, the waitress, and the paper carrier. If you don’t have the ability to forbear, life is going to make you crazy.

Colossians 3:13 mentions both forbearance and forgiveness. They are not the same thing. Forbearance applies to things that aren’t really hurtful but aren’t what you’d like. Forgiveness applies to the times you have been wronged. You're going to need both.

Any married couple will have hundreds of things that they do differently. Many of them will impact their spouse, especially use of time, money, the house, and other possessions. Many of these differences call for forbearance.

Forbearance is the choice to let something go and not affect your relationship.

Just because you haven’t said anything about something, doesn’t mean you are forbearing. If you are carrying resentment or can’t let go of something, you aren’t forbearing. If something bothers you, you only have two healthy alternatives: let it go or talk about it in a constructive way. If you can’t let it go, you’d better talk about it. If you hold it in, it may come bubbling to the surface at just the wrong time.

In a casual relationship, you may find it easy to let a lot of things go because they don’t have much impact on you. In marriage lots of things our spouse does impact us every day. This is one reason that couples may start fighting more after they are married than they ever did when they were single.

However, in marriage, there are so many things you face; it isn’t worth making an issue about them all. You just have to let some things go.

Forbearance for Now – Some forbearance is temporary because you know the issue will go away. You may not like changing your baby’s diaper, but you expect that you won’t always have to.

Forbearance Until the Time is Right - In some cases the issue isn’t going away by itself, but you may have to exercise temporary forbearance because the time isn’t right for bringing it up.  Maybe you feel you need more quality time from your spouse, but they are having to work overtime for the next month.  You may decide that this is a bad time to bring this up and that your concerns can wait for a few more weeks until your spouse gets back on a normal work schedule. If you make this choice, forbearance means you won’t allow resentment or anger to take root in your heart.

If, instead, you begin to make rude remarks and drop little hints, you might think you are setting the stage for the talk you want to have later. It is more likely that you will undermine that future talk. You may irritate your spouse on this subject without ever giving them the opportunity to respond in a constructive way.

Ongoing Forbearance – Some of the things we need to forbear are not going to change with time.  Accepting each other for who we are is essential for us to live in harmony for a lifetime.

Increased Forbearance – As we age, we might slow down, snore more, hear less, or change in other ways that become annoying.  Married couples might find new areas that call for forbearance as they get older.  Since God intended our marriage to last a lifetime, we need to increase forbearance to match our changing circumstances.  You may have learned to forbear your spouse’s “skid marks,” but later need to forbear their incontinence.  The principal from Ecclesiastes 4:10, “If either of them falls down, one can help the other up,” becomes even more important when we are falling more often.

Communicating Love

Craig had been married for twelve years. He was doing well at work and was keeping the lawn mowed and the bills paid. He had been a little hard headed in the first years of marriage, but he thought he was becoming a much better husband. The kids were doing well and Craig was beginning to look down the road to think about what life would be like after the kids were grown and out of the house. One day he came home from work and his wife announced that she was unhappy and was leaving! Craig was completely blind-sided. He hadn’t seen this coming at all. His wife assured him that there wasn’t another man involved, but said she had been unhappy for a long time and finally decided to do something about it.
Who was at fault? Was it Craig for not knowing that his wife was unhappy? Or was it Craig’s wife for not making it known a lot earlier? They are both to blame. They can share the blame and they will both suffer the consequences. It’s not too late for them to nurture their marriage and make it work. One key ingredient they’ll need is to consistently communicate love to each other.


Speaking Each Other’s Language - One of our favorite books is The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. Chapman says that we need to communicate love to each other, but that we often have different ways of expressing it and receiving it. He says that we need to communicate it in the way that it will be best understood by the person receiving it. He identifies five primary love languages.
· Words of Affirmation
· Gifts
· Quality Time
· Acts of Service
· Physical Touch
After reading his book, we have often met with couples and noticed that they were speaking two different languages. The conversations go something like this:
“I don’t know what she wants. I keep the house up. I help her with the dishes. I fixed her car last week.”
She responds, “But I can never get him to spend any time with me. He’s always too busy, and when he gets some free time, he wants to play golf or watch football.”
Can you see the languages being spoken? He thinks he is being a great husband because he values acts of service. She thinks he is falling short because she values quality time.
To communicate love in her language, he is going to need to give her quality time.
Chapman’s very readable book will sharpen your ability to communicate love.
I would never get much pleasure out of someone giving me flowers, and it wouldn’t naturally occur to me to give them. They seem impractical since they quickly lose their beauty and die. Shirley, however, loves flowers. I can communicate to her by bringing her flowers. When I do, I’m speaking her language.
If you consistently communicate love to each other, it will lead to a contentment and joy in your marriage that will sustain you in difficult times. Your love for each other should be something that financial troubles, sickness, or other hard times can’t take away from you. Knowing that my wife loves me unconditionally makes my home a place of refuge and a joy to come home to.
Work at communicating love to your spouse. Make sure that they know they are loved.


Daily Heart to Heart – We recommend that every married couple take some time every single day to talk to each other about how they are feeling and what they are thinking. It doesn’t always need to be a long talk, but it should be consistent. Ask your spouse how they are doing and let them answer in as much detail as they choose. There may be times when one of you has a lot to say and there isn’t enough time then to say it. You will need to schedule another time to talk in more detail. If so, make this an important priority and don’t put it off for more than a few days. Your interest in your spouse’s thoughts and feelings will reassure them of your love for them.

Money

There are some great books and study materials on how to manage your finances. This post won’t tell you very much about financial management. Our focus in this post is how to exercise faith, obedience, mutual respect and good communication in handling your finances. Frankly, we’d rather see you make bad financial decisions in ways that preserve mutual respect and build your relationship with each other, than make sound decisions in ways that bring conflict and disrespect into your marriage.
Our materialistic American culture tends to teach us to earn all we can and spend all or even more than we earn. However, the Bible teaches us a balance between work and rest, and a balance between consuming, saving, and giving. The Bible says a lot about finances, not because finances are that important, but because your use of finances reflects what is in your heart and your heart is important.
Here are some important keys for dealing with money:
Trust - In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus said, “Give us today our daily bread.” We need to develop a simple trust in God based on the understanding that He is the one who provides for us. We should eliminate “disaster” language from our homes, such as saying, “If I lose my job, we’ll all starve.” We should cultivate an expectation in our homes that we will have what we need when we need it, because God will provide it.
Contentment – Trusting God leads to contentment. There are many things we could buy, that we can do just as well without.
Keep your life free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you or forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5)
Nurture contentment in your family by the way you talk, spending more time thanking God for what you have than you do talking about other stuff you wish you had.
Honoring God – Everything you have actually belongs to God. The sooner you fully realize that, the more peace and contentment you will experience.
We believe in putting God first by giving 10% of our income to our local church. This is called tithing. I know that people can argue their way out of tithing by viewing it as an Old Testament requirement, but we’ve never met anyone who has practiced it faithfully with a right attitude who didn’t see the blessings that God promised in the Old Testament.
“Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.” (Malachi 3:10)
We don’t view tithing as a legal requirement, but as a simple discipline. It is like kindergarten in the life of faith. God promises blessings you can see. I have seen families move from constant financial turmoil to financial peace after they took this simple step of faith. Putting God first in this way will move you away from an attitude of self reliance and toward an attitude of trust and obedience.
Generosity – The Bible teaches us to give to those in need. This is something you should practice as a family.
He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need. (Ephesians 4:28)
Respect for Each Other – The way we use our money reveals what we value. As married couples, we are taught to put a high value on each other. We should consider the needs, thoughts, and feelings, of the whole family in the way we use our finances. This can be much more challenging than merely creating a budget. It requires communication and compassion.
Managing our finances in a way that treats others in the family with respect will often feel like we are juggling many balls at once. Dad wants a new set of golf clubs. Mom wants to repaint the house. Bobby needs braces. Sally wants to go to church camp. We said we were going to take a vacation this year, but we don’t have anything saved up for it. No one said this was going to be easy, but communicating love and preserving mutual respect is an essential principle in how you choose among your many options.
Jesus rebuked the Pharisees (Matthew 15:3-6) who were governing their lives by a simple principle – that giving to God is more important than anything else. With this principle they had concluded that if they had given generously to the Lord, they could ignore their parents when they had a need. Jesus shows that giving to God doesn’t relieve you from taking care of other people in your life.
Talk – There are marriages that would experience a surge of romance and improved communication by a husband and wife sitting down at the kitchen table and working together to develop a budget. The management of your finances is a great opportunity to practice communication and mutual respect, because your priorities may be very different from each other. As you work through things, you will have the opportunity to show each other your care for each other.
Perhaps some men or women fear discussing finances because they know their spouse can think of many more things to spend money on than they will ever have the money for. Some people may feel safer living with just enough money to cover essentials, so there is never a need or opportunity to talk about anything else.
Even if you have dreams that would take much more money than you ever expect to have, we’d encourage you to talk about them. Consider together what your priorities should be, what can wait for another year, and what can be put off indefinitely.

How Do You Respond To Disagreement?

How do you respond when someone disagrees with you? This is a vital question for a married person. You can’t have a meaningful relationship with another human being without disagreeing about things. No two people are alike. No two people think alike.  You are going to disagree. The big question is not whether you will disagree, but how you disagree.

Many people have a response to disagreement that short-circuits their ability to negotiate or have any meaningful communication.  If you are secure about who you are and what you believe, you can listen to someone with another opinion and respond rationally. If you are insecure, you may respond with anger, hurt, or withdrawal.

Check your heart and see if you respond in any of these ways to disagreement:

• Some people have been hurt in the past and consider disagreement as a personal attack.  They will feel hurt and respond accordingly.
• Some people have had unstable lives and have a strong need to control others. They view disagreement as a threat to their control.  They may respond with anger or other forms of manipulation.
• Some people have very low opinions of themselves. They view disagreement as evidence that they need to abandon their viewpoint.

If you are a person who has a difficult time responding to disagreement, you may think that you should limit close relationships to people who will always agree with you or people who you can control. You are wrong. You need to grow and become secure enough that you can have a close relationship with someone who disagrees with you.

• If your behavior is based on hurt from the past, let God heal you by showing you His great love.  
• If you feel the need to control others, give God control of your life and recognize that He loves others with the same love He has for you.  
• If you have a low opinion of yourself, let God speak to you and show you that you are "fearfully and wonderfully made."

A good marriage requires healthy disagreements. Healthy disagreements require healthy people.