Keeping the Canoe Floating

Shirley and I have taken two canoe trips on the Au Sable River in Michigan.  When we had been married just a few weeks, a couple we had become friends with talked us into going with a church group.  42 years later we talked the same couple into going again.  What we remember most from the first trip was the scenery.  To a young couple who had grown up in a suburb of Los Angeles, the scenery was truly amazing.  What we remember most from the second trip was capsizing our canoe twice.

The section of river we were on was not white water by any means, but it isn't perfectly smooth sailing either.  People that were used to canoeing down this river made it look quite easy.  The key to handling any rough spots is to keep your head still while you let your hips move with the rocking of the canoe.  If you overreact to the rocking of the canoe you have a chance of tipping it over.  We did.  Twice.

Your marriage is bound to have some rough spots.  I'm not talking about drug addiction or infidelity.  Those are tougher issues.  I'm talking about the challenges, disappointments, hurts, and disagreements we all face.  A key to facing these moments is keeping your head on straight and not overreacting.

Sometimes we borrow trouble from the past because today's trouble reminds us of old troubles.  We overreact because we haven't gotten over the past and are reacting to it along with today's trouble.  This will be worse if you haven't forgiven people who have hurt you in the past.

Sometimes we borrow trouble from the future because today's trouble makes us wonder how many more times we are going to face something similar in the future.  This is especially true when we are in a new home, new job, or a new relationship.  We think, "So this is how it's going to be," and we multiply today's trouble many times in our mind.  (If we haven't yet closed on the house, taken the job, or said, "I do," today's trouble may be a red flag telling us to slow down or stop.)

Marriages are meant to last a lifetime.  There are going to be a lot of bends in the river and some rough stretches.  We need to keep our head up, not overreact, and keep the canoe above water.

Seasons of Your Marriage

There will be seasons in your marriage that each present new challenges. Consider what you will need to do to navigate your way through these changes.
Children – Adding children to your home is a great blessing, but it comes with added challenges. You will have less time for each other and more demands on your energy and finances. Keep your relationship with each other strong during this time, by making time for each other. This will be the most important time in your marriage for keeping a regular date night. Work at keeping your family relationships sweet, so that your entire family can enjoy one another with a minimum of conflict.
Children Becoming Adolescents – You may find your adolescent children challenging your values and rebelling against your traditions. You will need a strong relationship with each other to maintain a positive approach to parenting your children. You may find it useful for the two of you to get away alone for an occasional weekend to strengthen your relationship with each other.
The Empty Nest – While you were raising your kids, you probably found meaning and purpose in parenting. When the kids leave home, you will need to find new direction. If you have nurtured a healthy marriage, you will enjoy the freedom of an empty nest. You will enjoy each other’s company and the ability to do things together that you may not have been able to do when you had a family to consider. If you are not enjoying the additional time with each other, that is a signal that you need to work at nurturing your relationship.
The Not So Empty Nest – Sometimes couples with grown children find themselves raising their grandchildren or providing a home for a grown child who may not have left or may have come back to the nest. This may place new demands on your strength and finances at a time when you were hoping to slow down. We’re sure that entire books could be written on some of the circumstances people face with their grown children and their grandchildren. We want to encourage you to maintain your relationship with your spouse, no matter what added challenges you may be facing with your offspring.
Retirement – Retirement can create a huge change in your use of time. Be sensitive to each other in the adjustments you must make during this time. If you have worked on your marriage, the additional time you have together will be a blessing.
End of Life Issues – We aren’t going to live forever on this earth in these bodies. We’re leaving one way or another. One of you may have to care for the other and make decisions for the other at the end of life. This won’t be easy, but it may give you a great opportunity to express your love for each other in practical ways.
Life is challenging, but a solid marriage will equip you for each of life’s seasons. Build your marriage, invest in each other, and walk through each of life's seasons together.

Sources of Conflict

In their book, It Takes Two to Tango, Gary and Norma Smalley identify five sources of conflict in marriage:

• power and control - both people are fighting for control or resenting not having control
• individuality - one person tries to change their partner and the other resists
• distance - one person begins to pull away or put up walls of defense
• distrust - one or both feel unsafe expressing their feelings or needs
• unmet needs - one partner feels his or her needs are not being met

If you have conflict it can be useful to think about the underlying reason for it.  A couple can fight about something that really is not important to either of them, because there is something underlying that is the real reason for the conflict.

Friends of ours had a fight that got heated and then resulted in days of avoiding each other and not talking to each other.  The fight started when he painted one of the rooms of his house.  She was out of the house at the time and didn't know he was going to paint.  The fight wasn't about the quality of his work or the amount of money he spent on a can of paint.  She felt disrespected because he hadn't talked to her about it or asked for her input in choosing a color.

Of course their fight illustrates what poor communication can do.  Good communication, even about little stuff, is like oil to an engine.  If he had a short conversation in advance explaining his plan to paint the room and listening to her thoughts, there would have been no fight.

Their fight also illustrates how an action can be interpreted in light of the health of a marriage.  This couple had been in the habit of fighting and it was easy to jump from perceived disrespect to a big fight.  Another woman accustomed to being treated with respect and honor might have reacted to a newly painted room with joyful surprise.  She may have told her husband how sweet he was to paint the room.  The stronger your foundation of respect and honor there is in your marriage, the less room there is for conflict.

As married couples we will have differing opinions about hundreds of things, but with mutual respect and good communication we don't need to fight about them.

Building Trust and Maintaining Faithfulness

Trusting each other to be faithful is essential to a healthy marriage. Your human heart wants to trust your spouse and wants to know that your relationship is exclusive. Trust stands on two legs, 1) a willingness to trust another person, and 2) trustworthy behavior.

Do you think that trust is freely given, or is it earned? The answer is yes, both. In many relationships you start with assumed trust that you give to each other freely, but you can only keep trust through trustworthy behavior.

The human heart gets hurt when we think we have an exclusive relationship and find that our partner has cheated. Humans can be irrational with this desire and maintain a double standard. Someone can feel hurt that their spouse cheated on them, even when they are also being unfaithful.

It’s reasonable, though, to expect a relationship to be exclusive when you have made a commitment to each other and you are being faithful to that commitment yourself.

Trust in an exclusive relationship satisfies a deep desire in our heart. Trust, however, is based largely on how people have behaved toward each other.

Some people have had their ability to trust someone damaged by the actions of their parents or others who have broken trust with them in their past. Your spouse may have already had difficulty trusting another person when the two of you met. However, over time, the influence of the past will dim and your spouse’s trust for you is going to be based primarily on your actions and your words.

What do you need to do to build and maintain trust in your marriage? Your words and actions need to line up with your marriage vow to forsake all others and keep yourselves for each other.

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. (Ephesians 5:3)

The command here is that there not even be a hint of sexual immorality. I believe this means that we shouldn’t joke about cheating and we shouldn’t put ourselves in situations where our intent is unclear.

Cheating on your spouse, or even entertaining the idea is a foolish choice. Proverbs 5 is devoted to warning us against adultery, telling us it will cost us health, wealth, and reputation. The person who is unfaithful will look back on it with regret. We are urged to maintain faithfulness in our marriage.

Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? (Proverbs 5:15-16)

And we are warned to take care to take precaution not to put ourselves in a tempting situation.

Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house. (Proverbs 5:8)

If your spouse doesn’t trust you, don’t ignore it and don’t merely yell at them for not trusting you. Examine the roots of the lack of trust and discover what it will take to build trust in your marriage. If your words and actions have been worthy of trust, give your spouse time to develop a stronger sense of trust in you. If, on the other hand, you have said or done things that damaged trust, you need to change your words and actions to those that reinforce trust in you.

If you have been tempted to infidelity, it is a symptom that you need to nurture your marriage. Cheating is a fool’s bargain.  Proverbs warns us:

For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. (Proverbs 5:3-5)

It may take some effort to build trust and maintain faithfulness, but it is well worth it.

Is This a Fight or a Dance?

If you get in a boxing ring to compete, you can only win if you make the other person lose.  Competitors may show each other respect, shaking hands before a match and maybe hugging afterward, but boxers are there to fight.  The objective is always to win by making the other person lose.

If you go out on the dance floor for a swing dance, you either do well together or you do poorly together.  You aren't trying to defeat your partner.  There may be disagreements, especially when you're learning a dance, but dancers know that they are there to succeed together.

Some couples create disagreements that become win/lose arguments.  Someone has to win this argument by making the other person lose.  When you create a win/lose argument, you're going to be tempted to resort to manipulation.  Our post on this blog on 3/21/20 discusses some of the types of manipulation that people resort to: lying, insulting, threatening, violence, nagging, whining, shouting, withdrawing, guilt, and unfavorable comparison with others.  All of these techniques focus on getting what you want without maintaining respect for your spouse.  If you find yourself doing these you are probably in a win/lose argument that you are trying to win. 

In most win/lose arguments the "win" isn't really about whatever the argument is, but about which of you is better, smarter, or worthy of more respect.  Almost all arguments in marriage are a fight for respect.  If you have shown each other clearly that you respect each other, there may be plenty of things you disagree about but there will be few that you fight over.

In a dance like salsa, swing, or the waltz, there is a leader, but the leadership is subtle.  Both partners have to be working together.  Dance instructors will tell you that the man must lead, but his job is to make the woman shine.

Working together in a dance is not always easy.  There are a couple ways you could dance that would  make it easier. 
1) Stand a few feet apart and each of you can do whatever dance moves you want.  He can do the twist while she does the watusi.  It won't matter what either of you does.  Some couples create distance in their relationship to reduce conflict.  They don't eat together, they keep their finances independent of each other, and they are usually going separate ways.  That may be a low conflict marriage, but it isn't the "one flesh" relationship God designed.
2) Tie the wife to an office chair that swivels and has wheels.  The man can move her around the dance floor freely and spin her whenever he wants.  Sometimes someone may respond to conflict with domineering leadership.  This reduces conflict only as long as someone is willing to be dominated.  Since the Bible instructs men to honor their wives and for wives to respect their husbands, domineering leadership isn't what God had in mind either.

May you succeed together in your marriage.

Integrity

You won't think you'd had a successful marriage if an apostle calls the two of you out for lying and you both drop dead.
Did you ever wonder why God was so tough on Ananias and Sapphira? In Acts, chapter 5, they agreed together to lie to the Apostles. No one was forcing them to sell land and give money to help other Christian believers. They chose to do that, but they decided to keep some of the money for themselves. That wouldn’t have been a problem either, but they agreed to lie and say that they were giving the full amount of the sale. For some reason, it was important to them to look to others like something they weren’t. This is what is called hypocrisy. It was their lie that got them in trouble, and they both ended up dead.
Then Peter said, "Ananias, how is it that Satan has so filled your heart that you have lied to the Holy Spirit and have kept for yourself some of the money you received for the land? Didn't it belong to you before it was sold? And after it was sold, wasn't the money at your disposal? What made you think of doing such a thing? You have not lied to men but to God." (Acts 5:3-4)
You can have two forms of hypocrisy in a family. First, members of the family may try to hide who they really are from the other members of the family. A woman may try to sneak a smoke while pretending to the family that she doesn’t smoke. A man may say he is working late, but be stopping off at a bar. A teen may be trying to hide drug use from their parents. These lies are destined to be uncovered. It isn’t that difficult for your family to see the truth. Sometimes a family member really knows the truth, but chooses to live in denial rather than face the facts.
Second, as in the case of Ananias and Sapphira, a couple or the whole family may conspire to fool the outside world. Sometimes family members are expected to lie to cover up physical abuse within the family or substance abuse by one of the members of the family.
Either of these forms of hypocrisy will damage the respect that family members need for one another.
Your family gets to see your life close up and knows what you are really made of. Being honest with yourself and with your spouse will add strength to your marriage and increase the respect you have for each other.
There are a lot of things you can’t choose. You can’t choose how tall you are, who your parents are, or what century you live in. But you can choose to be an honest person who does not try to pretend to be something you aren’t.
Integrity begins with putting God first in your life. If you only want to please Him, and know you can’t fool Him, you won’t be motivated to try to fool others.
For a man’s ways are in full view of the Lord, and He examines all his paths. (Proverbs 5:21)
Lying to your children will eventually hurt them. There are very few lies you are going to tell them that won’t eventually be discovered. When your children discover you have lied to them, they will not only be hurt, they will lose respect for you and for the otherwise good things you have imparted to them.
Notice where lying fits in God’s eyes:
There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to Him; haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers. (Proverbs 6:16-19)
He mentions lies twice in this passage, “a lying tongue” and “a false witness who pours out lies.”
If you and your spouse have conspired together to lie to anyone, you are going to need to repent together and make it right together.
If you have lied to your spouse or children, you need to make it right by speaking the truth. There is a good chance your family already knows the truth, but when you come clean you will remove the stain on your character.
Don’t make promises to your children or to your spouse that you don’t intend to keep. If you committed to something that you absolutely cannot keep, explain it to them and find ways to make it right.
Pay your taxes, pay your bills, and be a person whose word can be counted on.

Write it Down

Here is an exercise to improve communication in your marriage.
1. Choose a simple topic that you each have significant feelings about.
2. Each of you write about it, separately, but at the same time.
3. Exchange papers.
4. Read what your spouse wrote.
5. Talk about it.
This exercise is a way to foster communication about your feelings. It has the advantage of allowing each of you to think clearly, without interruption, while you are writing. You will then have the opportunity to get your spouse’s feelings, uninterrupted, while you are reading. Your discussion afterward will increase your understanding of each other.
We have found this simple exercise increases our understanding of each other and our ability to communicate. For example, one time we wrote down the five most satisfying experiences each of us had in the last five years. I was shocked to find two items on Shirley’s list were improvements we had made in our home. I think home improvement is fine, but until our little writing exercise I didn’t know how important it was to Shirley.
Make sure that when you begin this exercise, you have enough time for it. When you start writing, it may take you a little while. When you start talking, you may find that there is a lot to talk about.
As you write, try to express your feelings. Don’t accuse or complain. Just explain the way you feel. For example, “You don’t spend enough time with me,” is a complaint. On the other hand, “I enjoy the time we spend together and often wish we would make more time to spend together,” expresses feelings.
When you read what your spouse has written, make your primary goal understanding your spouse’s feelings. If you read something that sounds like an accusation or that expresses some disappointment in you, don’t become defensive. If you read something that sounds like a problem, don’t try to jump to the conclusion. You can discuss solutions to problems after you have fully understood each other’s feelings.
We wouldn’t recommend this exercise as a means of dealing with major conflict or topics that need urgent attention. This exercise will work best when your minds are relatively clear, you are in a reasonably good mood, and you are not feeling defensive or troubled about your marriage.
This exercise may be particularly useful when you take a trip out of town without children and have extended time together.
We hope this exercise gives you some new understanding of each other and deepens your communication. We aren’t looking at this exercise as a method of unleashing a huge backlog of feelings you have been holding inside for years. If this happens, it is a clear symptom that the communication in your marriage has been inadequate and that you need to devote much more effort to healthy communication.
Something to Write About – Here are some topics you might find useful, but don’t be limited by this list. Think of your own topics that interest you both.
· What are your three favorite memories you have of doing something together?
· Describe what you would like to see happen in the next five years?
· When have you felt closest to God? Why?
· What three people have had the most important positive influence in your life?
· If you were to write a book, what would it be about?
· If you could do one thing to help other people, and you had all the time, training, and money you needed to do it, what would it be?
· If you could go one place, anywhere in the world, on vacation, where would it be?

Valuing Each Other

God loves your spouse, and He wants you to value your spouse.


The key to a healthy marriage is for two people to treat each other with honor and respect. We may have a tendency to value each other for things that don’t last, such as:
Good Looks – Almost everyone is more attractive when they are young than when they are old. If we want to have mutual respect in a life-long relationship, we are going to value each other based on something deeper than looks.
Money – Money comes and goes. Someone who is rich today will be poor later and someone who is nearly penniless today will have great wealth next week.
Intelligence – I respected my Father for his intelligence, but in the last 10 years of his life, his mind eroded with dementia. I still respected him.

Here are some lasting things we can base our value for each other on.
God Gave Us to Each Other – If you honor God, you are going to honor the one He gave you and told you to value.
We Committed Our Lives to Each Other – In general, homeowners take better care of their homes than renters. The difference is commitment. If you meant what you said when you married each other, this gives your reason enough to value each other.
We Are Building a Life Together – Paul wrote that, “He who loves his wife loves himself.” (Ephesians 5:28) If you treat your spouse with honor, you also benefit.

If you value your spouse, you will listen to him or her, even when you don’t agree with what they are saying. You will care about how they are feeling, even if their feelings don’t make sense to you.

Maybe you’ve heard the story of Johnny Lingo and his wife Sarita. You can read the entire story if you can find a copy of the February, 1988, Readers Digest, or the November, 1965, Woman’s Day. Johnny Lingo was known in the islands as a wealthy young man and a smart trader, but no one could understand why he paid eight cows for his wife. A man in his community could get a beautiful wife for four or five cows. No one had ever paid eight cows. The woman he wanted to marry was considered plain and her friends assumed her father would do well to negotiate for one cow for Sarita. But Johnny, without negotiation, quickly offered eight. The author of the story had heard about the price Johnny paid for his plain looking wife, but when the author met Sarita she was amazed at Sarita’s beauty and bearing. Still puzzled, she asked Johnny why he had paid such a high price for Sarita. He explained two things, 1) “I wanted her and no other woman,” and 2) “I wanted an eight cow wife.” The esteem that Johnny gave his wife resulted in her seeing herself as having great value. She lived accordingly and her innate beauty that others hadn’t seen before came shining through.

Many times people will feel disrespected by their spouse. If you do, you have three choices:
1. Fight for respect. This doesn’t often work. If you fight, you probably are only going to get a fight back.
2. Show disrespect. Many people respond to disrespect with disrespect. That seems fair, but the likely result is that your spouse is going to return even more disrespect. This can send your marriage into a downward spiral that is difficult to recover from.
3. Give more respect. Give and it will be given to you.
Many people read the words of Jesus, “Give and it will be given to you,” and think He was primarily talking about money. He was talking about mercy.
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (Luke 6:37-38)
If you treat your spouse with more respect and honor, your spouse will treat you with more respect. This is the most important ingredient in a healthy marriage and you can only get more by giving more.

In Sickness

Betsy wanted to leave her husband, and she came to us seeking approval. She was in a second marriage that had never gone very well. She thought that she shouldn’t have married this man in the first place. Now her husband was facing an illness that she expected to gradually take away his ability to work or to speak clearly. She expected that he would need a lot of care and more each year until he died. She hadn’t planned on this and wanted out. We couldn’t give her the approval she was asking for. (It’s always puzzling to see people seek approval from others when they know they are doing wrong.) We told her instead that she should stay and find a new depth to her love and commitment.
We were given to each other in marriage to help each other. Sometimes the needs of one increase, creating more responsibility for the other. We see this principle in this passage.
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)
If your spouse becomes ill, it’s time for you to step up as their closest friend.
We believe that God hears and answers prayer and it's great when people are healed in answer to prayer. However, we want to offer help to couples who are enduring illness.
Here are some principles that may be helpful if you face illness in your marriage.
Thank God for Small Things, Thank God for Big Things – A hard year or a hard decade can get a person down. We can find joy, though, if we thank God for today’s small blessings and for God’s eternal promises. If you are down, you can benefit from focusing on a smaller picture, thanking God for today’s daily bread. You can also benefit from focusing on a larger picture, thanking Him for His promise never to leave you and to give you eternal life. When Naomi said, “The LORD has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me.” (Ruth 1:21), she was focusing on the tough times of the previous few years. Later, when she said, “He has not stopped showing His kindness to the living and the dead,” (Ruth 2:20) she was focusing on that day’s blessings. By the end of the book of Ruth, we can see the big picture of what God was doing in Naomi’s life. By then, her friends are praising God for His goodness to Naomi. If the picture you are looking at seems scary or depressing, stand back and look at the bigger picture, or move in and look at encouraging details.
For example, suppose your spouse has become very ill and the doctor hasn’t been able to find an explanation. You’ve been in and out of the hospital and the doctor has brought up the possibility of long-term nursing care. You are worried about your medical bills and wonder if your spouse will ever recover. You worry how you will manage if you lose your spouse. You can find joy in the simple blessings of this day. You can thank God for a meal you particularly enjoyed or thank Him that you slept better last night than you had been. You can also find joy in focusing on the bigger picture. No matter what happens, you can thank God for the years you and your spouse have had together. You can thank Him for the promise of being reunited in heaven. You can thank Him that He is always with you, even in hard times.
Recognize Your Primary Purpose – Jesus said that two commands define the most important things we have to do in life.
Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' (Matthew 22:37-39)
Loving others is your second most important responsibility. If you have a spouse who is sick, you have a unique opportunity to show them love. Many other things can wait, but you can show them love with simple acts of service and by just spending time with them.
Get Help – We were never meant to go through life alone. When you need help, ask for it. Someone else’s life will be enriched with the opportunity to help you in some practical way. Call your family members or your church when you need someone to run an errand or take care of something around your house that you don’t have time or strength to do yourself.
Do Your Best, Trust God With the Rest – Sometimes people struggle with guilt over decisions they made when a spouse was sick. When the doctor starts asking questions about what medical help you want or don’t want, these decisions can feel overwhelming. Make your decisions based on love. If you feel confused, talk it over with someone you trust. Ask God for guidance. He promises to give it.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3: 5-6)
Honor whatever wishes your spouse has expressed. When you’ve done what you can, pray and trust God. Don’t spend energy mulling over what you would have or could have done. Your spouse’s life is in God’s hands and if you have acted in love, you need not regret your decisions.

Praying Together

Do you think your marriage would be any different if Jesus lived at your house, joined you for dinner, helped you plan your finances, and intervened when you argued? It’s hard to imagine things not improving if Jesus was there all the time. That’s just what He wants, to be there all time. Praying together is one of the most powerful tools you have for welcoming God into your daily lives.

Here are some simple principles of prayer that apply to marriage.

And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him. (Matthew 6:5-8)

In this passage Jesus taught that prayer:

• Is not a show, so we shouldn’t be worrying about how we sound or what anyone else is thinking.
• Is talking to God and we can expect Him to hear and answer prayer.
• Shouldn’t involve the repetition of empty words, so we can pray in plain English about the daily issues that are on our minds.

He really made it pretty simple. Prayer is talking to your Father. Because your Father loves you, He will hear you when you pray. Talking to Him will make a difference. But, because He is smarter than you are, He may answer in ways you don’t expect.


Why should we pray together?
For one thing, Jesus taught us about the power of praying in agreement.
“Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.” (Matthew 18:19)


Praying together also adds a dimension to our relationship with each other. It’s difficult to disrespect each other when we are together honoring the One who made us both. We can often communicate more effectively about things when we have talked together to God about it.


Why is it hard for some couples to pray together? Praying together with your spouse has so many benefits that it is well worth overcoming whatever obstacles you may find. Here are some of the things that may stand in the way of couples praying together.

• Time pressure – Life is always going to seem busy, but you will always find time for the things you think are important. Even a few minutes each day spent together in prayer will be well worth the time you put into it.
• Disrespect – It can be tough for a couple who has been treating each other with disrespect to sit down and pray together. They know they are going to have to change their attitude to be able to pray sincerely. This is one great reason for praying together despite whatever disagreements or disrespect you may have had with each other. If you have been arguing or insulting each other, don’t bring that into your prayer, other than repenting and asking God to show you both His will.
• Discomfort – Some people are uncomfortable praying out loud around other people, sometimes even more uncomfortable with their spouse or with their family. This is something you just need to get over through practice. Make it a point to pray together. Pray out loud. Keep it simple. If your spouse is the one who is uncomfortable, avoid any criticism of the way he or she prays.
• Shallow Relationship With God – When I was in elementary school, a Sunday School teacher impressed on us the importance of a regular prayer life. I decided to begin to pray each night as I went to bed. For a couple of days I asked God to bless my family, help me in school, and keep my friends safe from harm. After about three days of that, I really couldn’t think of anything else that needed to be said, so I prayed, “God, you know, the usual. Amen.” After a day or two of that, I quit praying at bedtime at all. My problem was that I had a very shallow relationship with God. There really were many more things on my mind, but I didn’t see God as a part of my daily life, so I didn’t think about talking to God about them. I wasn’t thinking about God’s plan for my future, so I wasn’t thinking of praying about the future. I wasn’t aware of how much God loved everyone else, so I wasn’t praying for others at my school to find God. There really were many things I could have been praying about.

If you find that your prayers are superficial, you may also need to deepen your Bible study, to see more of what is in God’s heart and how He works in the lives of people. Serving others will also add a dimension to your prayer life.

Giving Your Attention

Why did Absalom set Joab's barley field on fire?  He just wanted to talk to him.

In 2 Samuel 14:29-31 Absalom wanted to talk to Joab.  He wanted Joab to be a mediator between Absalom and Absalom's Dad, David.  Absalom sent for Joab, but he refused to meet with Absalom.  He tried a second time and Joab still refused.  So Absalom had his servants set Joab's barley field on fire.  Then Joab showed up and asked the obvious question, "Why have your servants set my field on fire?"  Absalom set Joab's barley field on fire because he wasn't getting his attention otherwise.

Maybe your spouse has done something that seems crazy and a big overreaction.  In some cases your spouse may be crying out for the opportunity to talk about something important, feeling like they can't really get your attention.

Some married couples have poor communication because they just don't allow time for it.  There's always something to do and having a good talk gets pushed aside.

We've always believed that a couple needs to make sure that every day they have an opportunity to ask each other, "How are you doing?" and then listen to the answer.

Sometimes couples don't connect because one wants to talk about the problem while the other wants to get to the solution.  Men are stereotypically focused on finding a solution, while women are stereotypically more interested in a good listener than a problem solver.  This short clip on youtube illustrates that difference (mostly from a man's perspective) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

Other couples communicate well on most topics but have some subjects that they avoid because they know there is going to be conflict.  Friends of ours have scheduled an occasional planning retreat.  This is a trip for 2 or 3 days just for the two of them.  They plan time for relaxation, but also time to discuss and plan some of the more challenging areas of married life, such as money and parenting.

We don't recommend that you set anything on fire.  We recommend that you work at communication so neither of you feels like you have to start a fire to get your spouse's attention.

Love and Respect

Emerson Eggerichs wrote Love and Respect and several books that build from Ephesians 5:33, "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."  He has observed that when a woman feels unloved she may respond in ways that feel disrespectful and when a man feels disrespected he may respond in ways that feel unloving.  When this pattern gains momentum with a couple, Eggerichs calls it the "Crazy Cycle."  What he recommends instead is for the man to offer unconditional love and for the woman to offer unconditional respect.

But Eggerichs urges us not to overreact when our marriages have crazy moments.  1 Corinthians 7:28 says, "But those who marry will face many troubles in this life."  He believes that we will all have a few turns on the crazy cycle, but we need to learn how to end it in a healthy way.

One of the most heated disagreements Shirley and I ever had was early in our marriage.  We were headed home from a Sunday night church service.  I had to get up the next morning to work in an auto factory at a job I pretty much hated.  My mission was to get home and get to bed as quickly as possible so I could at least feel refreshed when I got up in the morning to face my commute to work.  Shirley had sung in the church choir, was thirsty, and said, "Pull over so I can get something to drink." (This was a few years before McDonald's or Burger King opened their first drive-through windows.)  I said, "No," kept driving home, and went straight to bed.  Shirley was unwilling to let this end there and started flipping the bedroom light switch on and off until I got up to explain myself.  I don't remember what happened next but we stayed married without violence or separation.  

This is a funny memory to us now because there is so much more love and respect in our marriage that every step in the story would be different.  I would be less stressed knowing that a few minutes of sleep wouldn't make a big difference. She would understand how I was feeling.  I would understand how she was feeling.  She would ask nicer.  I would not ignore her thirst.  There would be a drive-through open. We would have ice and root beer at home and wouldn't need to stop anyway.  Churches don't have Sunday night services much anymore. But if this was our grandparents' story from early in their marriage, they wouldn't have had a light switch to flip on and off.

Major Decisions

In marriage there are thousands of opportunities for minor conflict, such as, whether the toilet seat is up or down and where the dirty socks go. But there are a few opportunities for major disagreement, such as, where you will live, whether you will try to have more children, and who will work.

We believe that marriage should be based on mutual respect, and that major decisions shouldn’t be made without both partners being in agreement. If you can’t agree on a major decision, we recommend that you pray about it together, daily, until you are both in agreement. We have practiced this ourselves for several major decisions in our lives. We found that when we pray persistently, we not only come into agreement with each other, but we gain the peace of knowing that we are following God’s will.

We once decided to spend a season of our lives living in a tough neighborhood as volunteers for an inner city ministry. We left a comfortable house in a safe neighborhood that we had lived in for 19 years and moved to a different state. It was not an easy decision. However, because we spent several weeks praying diligently before we made this decision, we made the move with peace and harmony. 

Some couples find it hard to pray together out loud. In some cases, one may be comfortable praying aloud with their spouse while the other finds it difficult. You can overcome the discomfort by starting to pray together in simple ways.  If you're the one who is uncomfortable praying aloud, start with something easy like thanking God for your meal.  Once you are used to praying together, you will find that you are able to pray together about things great and small.

Suppose you are considering taking a new job in a different state.  There may be several factors to consider, such as, increased income, moving away from or closer to friends and/or family, climate, comfort with your current home, the adventure of moving to a new home, etc.  In many cases you both really want most of the same things, but place differing weights on these factors.  You both would appreciate more income, you both want a home you like, you both value friends and family.  The more you talk and pray, the more your thoughts will come into alignment.

Waiting on major decisions until you are in agreement takes respect for each other and trust in God to lead you. However, if you will exercise patience and faith, we are convinced you will be pleased with the results.

For Better

Traditional marriage vows include "for better or for worse."  Why should we be concerned with "better."  Isn't it only "worse" that will challenge our marriage?

When Ted finished high school, he was happy to get a job at the local factory. He was a blue collar guy, carried his lunch pail, and worked hard. He pictured himself staying in that job until he retired. He enjoyed life with his wife and kids, and found time to fish and hunt.

As Ted grew in his job, others began to rely on him for help and direction. He began to realize that he was smarter than he had thought when he struggled through high school. When he was offered the opportunity to be a manager and wear a shirt and tie to work, something shifted in his self image. He saw himself as smart and important. He began to look at his wife, and even his kids, as being beneath him.

At social events with his co-workers Ted began to think another woman was attracted to him. She was smart and pretty and he looked at her as being in a different league from his wife. Flirtation led to an affair and the affair led to a divorce. Ted tried to begin a new life with the other woman, but found that happiness with her was only a mirage. She could never really trust him, because she saw him as a man who would leave his wife. After all, he had left his wife to be with her.

Sometimes "success" in life destroys a marriage. There are women who have worked to get their husband through medical school, only to be dumped for another woman after her husband became established in his career. There are men who encouraged their wives to pursue education or career, and were left when their wives began to gain newfound confidence.

The key to avoiding this pitfall is seeing yourself and your spouse as God sees you. God has taught us not to put ourselves or anyone else in classes or leagues. He has taught us not to think of ourselves as better than anyone else. He has taught us that we are all gifted and we are all loved. If you see yourself as gifted and loved by God now, encountering success later won’t make your head inflate. You will recognize that your gifts came from God and the doors you walked through were opened by Him.

When Paul writes about using our gifts to serve others, he first warns us not to have an inflated view of ourselves.

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. (Romans 12:3)

Later in the same chapter he shows us that we need to ignore the barriers that often separate people, and to treat everyone with respect.

Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. (Romans 12:16)

You need to nurture a healthy attitude toward your spouse, viewing him or her as the one God has given to you to help you in this life. Adam had the benefit of having no one else to compare Eve to, other than the animals. Since Adam could only compare Eve with porcupines and lizards, he would have been in awe of her. We can each maintain that awe if we keep a humble view of ourselves and a grateful attitude toward the One who gave us our spouse.

In Malachi the Lord tells us that He hates divorce. He says, Another thing you do: You flood the LORD's altar with tears. You weep and wail because He no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His. And why one? Because He was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith. (Malachi 2:13-16)

God is speaking to us married folks when He says twice, “guard yourself in your spirit.” There are many wrong attitudes to guard ourselves against, and thinking we have become too good for our spouse is one of them.

In verse 14 He says, “she is your partner.”  The Hebrew word for partner “chabereth” is from a root word “chabar”, which means to unite. If we are partners, then whatever success, failure, hardship, and joy we face in life belongs to both of us. If things come along that are “better” than we were expecting, we should enjoy them together.

Time Styles

In their book, Your Time-Starved Marriage, Les and Leslie Parrot introduce the concept of “time styles,” saying that we don’t all experience time in the same way.  A husband and a wife often look at time differently.  The Parrots describe four styles, depending on whether a person’s time is normally scheduled or unscheduled and whether a person is focused on the present or the future.

They call the person who is unscheduled and focused on the present, the “Improviser.”

The person who is scheduled and focused on the present they call, the “Manager.”

The scheduled person who is focused on the future is called the “Planner.”

If you are unscheduled and future oriented, they would call you the “Dreamer.” 

This useful concept can help us to recognize some of our differences and gives us the opportunity to show each other respect.  I fit the Parrots’ definition of a Planner and if I ask Shirley what time dinner will be ready, I’m expecting a specific answer like 5:30.  That would give me the opportunity to know what else I have time to do before dinner.  Shirley, who fits their definition of an Improviser, will give me an answer that names the things that remain to be done.  Her answer is that dinner will be ready when she’s done this, this, and that.  Of course, that gives me the opportunity to offer help with one of those tasks.

Because I'm a scheduled person, being on time has always been important to me, even if I forget to wear a belt. Because Shirley is unscheduled, being completely ready, even if she’s a little late, has always been important to Shirley.  This used to be a source of tension in our marriage.  Because we understand and respect each other, we've learned to support each other.  With these differences it is more useful for us to understand and support each other than it is to fight over the differences.

Like all our differences, if we treat each other with mutual respect our differences in time styles become a gift to each other.  If I treat my spouse with respect, her different view of things gives me the opportunity to see things where I may have otherwise had a blind spot.  Shirley’s focus on the present has often made her more compassionate when we are talking to someone who is going through hard times.  My future focus has often resulted in trying to help someone develop a to-do list to fix their problem when a listening ear and a compassionate heart would have been more useful.

Running the Whole Race

A distance runner doesn’t consider himself successful until he crosses the finish line. No one would say that they have had a successful marriage unless they have stayed married and have done well as long as they both live. 20 years of successful marriage, followed by a divorce, is not a successful marriage. It is a failed marriage.
To finish well in your marriage, you will have to work at it.
Warning Signs – Marriages seldom fail abruptly. There are usually warning signs that tell you something needs attention. If your car starts to wobble when you drive it, you know that something needs to be fixed. If you ignore the signs and keep driving, the problem probably won't correct itself. If you feel like you are drifting apart from your spouse, it is probably because you are drifting apart from your spouse. It is time to recommit yourself to working at the things that nurture marriage.
First Things First – Sometimes times get tough.  We may go through unexpected financial or health challenges.  Any marriage that lasts will have to go through these tough times. However, sometimes couples will confuse life’s normal challenges with unusual circumstances. They may develop habits that aren’t healthy, but justify them by thinking that they'll do better when life settles down. Maybe next year when the kids are a little older we’ll start having a date night. Maybe when we get a few bills paid off, I can cut back on my work schedule and we can have more family time.
Whoever watches the wind will not plant; whoever looks at the clouds will not reap. (Ecclesiastes 11:4)
Planting and reaping are the two most essential actions if you hope to live off of what the land produces. The verse above shows that someone who is waiting for perfect conditions will foolishly neglect to plant or reap. There are very few days with no wind. If you are going to plant, you will probably have to tolerate a little wind. Most days have a few clouds. You will need to reap and not wait for a forecast of 0% chance of rain.
There are essential actions you need to take to nurture your marriage. You will never have perfect conditions. There will always be other things competing for your attention. Don’t fail to spend time together and don’t fail to work at effective communication.
Marriages sometimes die of neglect while couples are giving their attention to things that are ultimately much less important.
Renewal – Marriages sometimes lose their spark and can benefit from renewal. Many couples, particularly those with children at home, have found a vacation for just the two of them brings a fresh joy in their marriage. A friend of ours had been a mother for about 15 years. She and her husband had taken regular vacations with their family, but hadn’t been away as a couple without the children for a long time. They spent just a few days away and found a new spark in their relationship. She said, “I’d forgotten how much I really like this person I married.”
If you have children at home, arranging a vacation for just the two of you may seem too complicated and too expensive. However, refreshing your marriage will have lasting value. We expect that you will find that the effort and expense you put into getting away as a couple will be well worth it.
Other couples have found renewal in a marriage retreat or seminar. We have seen some couples experience a great change in their marriage after only a weekend away at a marriage retreat.
Counseling – If you are having trouble making your marriage healthy, you may want to consider some marriage counseling. Many people, especially men, will shy away from counseling because they feel like they are admitting defeat at something they should be able to succeed at. Don’t look at marriage counseling as defeat. People often turn to coaches to help them improve at something. Even the greatest golfers in the world have coaches who work with them.
If you are going to go to a counselor, find someone who will treat both of you with respect and will treat marriage with respect. A woman going to a counselor who dislikes men or a man going to a counselor who dislikes women, is not likely to find any help in building their marriage. We had a friend who was having marital troubles. She went to a counselor who listened to one side of the story (the wife’s), offered a label for her husband’s behavior, and told her the only thing she could do to solve her problems was to leave her husband. This was not helpful counseling.
If you are considering marriage counseling, we’d suggest you begin by making an appointment with your pastor, or a staff member at your church who offers pastoral counseling.

Empathy

We had been married only 6 months. It was Shirley’s birthday and I came home from a college class for lunch. I brought in the mail and said, “Look, your parents sent you a birthday card.” She began to cry. We were more than 1000 miles from either of our parents and she was a little homesick. When she was growing up, birthdays had always been a big deal at her house. They weren’t given much attention at my house. This was her first birthday since we married, and I simply didn’t know that she was going to feel sad if I didn’t do something bigger for her birthday. (In fact, I hadn’t done anything at all). I learned. I learned to think about how things would make her feel. I’m still learning.

Empathy is putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and feeling what they feel. Empathy recognizes that some things that may not faze you may hurt someone else. Empathy is essential to a healthy marriage.

You might be tempted to make light of feelings your spouse has that don’t make sense to you. However, consider the fact that the Bible teaches us that Jesus is empathetic with us. He is Lord of everything. We are weak and emotional, and yet He knows and cares about what we feel.
Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted. (Hebrews 2:18)
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. (Hebrews 4:15)

If you want to be an empathetic spouse, begin by choosing the attitude that your spouse’s feelings are important simply because you value the person you married. Then work at communication so that you have a stronger understanding of what makes your spouse tick.
Peter is speaking to men when he says:
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. (1 Peter 3:7)
That phrase “be considerate” might just sound like God wants a man to hold the door for his wife once and a while. It means much more than that. It means to thoroughly consider something.
The King James Version words it this way:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge. (1 Peter 3:7, KJV)
This is a command to men to get to know their wives, to understand what makes them tick.  A woman should do the same by caring and listening to her husband when he expresses his feelings.


Understanding and valuing the feelings of your partner should be a lifelong commitment for every married person.


Some people may look at life as somewhat overwhelming and think that their own feelings are tough enough to deal with. They may think that caring about someone else’s feelings will just make life too complicated. It’s true that decisions can be tougher if you are taking two people’s feelings into account. However, many of life’s burdens are lighter if you have someone whom you care about who understands and shares your feelings.

Coded Messages –Sometimes a person may speak out of their emotions and say what they feel instead of what they really mean. For example, a man I knew had a wife who told him, “You never kiss me.” He was pretty sure this wasn’t true, so he began to mark it on the calendar whenever he kissed his wife. (Yes, this really happened.) In this way, he was able to disprove his wife whenever she claimed he never kissed her. He was able to show her on the calendar the last time he kissed her, but he was missing the point. If he had interpreted her words as, “I feel like you never kiss me,” he might have gotten the message that he needed to kiss his wife more often and to look for other ways to nurture a healthy marriage. He may have found ways of expressing affection to his wife that she would have found even more meaningful. I can guarantee you that being shown the calendar was not satisfying to his wife.
You may need to learn to listen to the emotion in your spouse’s voice. A man may assume that if his wife says, “I don’t mind if you watch the football game,” she means that she doesn’t mind if he watches the football game. Those words might come out of her mouth in a tone of voice that says “I’m going to be annoyed if you watch the football game, why don’t you ask me what I had in mind this afternoon.” The better we get to know each other the clearer our communication will be.

Listening and Speaking

Tony and Lauren Dungy, in their book Uncommon Marriage, remember the last thing Tony said to Lauren on the day they met.  They just don’t remember it the same way.

She remembered him saying, “Give me your number and maybe I’ll call you and we can play tennis sometime.”

He remembered, “If you wouldn’t mind giving me your number, I’ll call you and maybe we can play tennis sometime.”

It doesn’t sound like a big difference, but hearing “maybe I’ll call you” from a man asking for your number is a lot different than hearing “I’ll call you, and maybe...”

Our ability to communicate is wonderful, but it isn’t perfect.  If we want to be good communicators, we need to be good listeners.  Sometimes we’ll also need to ask a question or two to make sure we understood what was said or what was meant.

James 1:19 says, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

Those three qualities are all rooted in our respect for others.  If we respect our spouse these qualities will show up in our marriage.

Quick to listen – I value you and want to hear and understand what you have to say.

If your spouse starts to speak to you when you are focused on something else, you can:

• Stop what you’re doing and give your spouse your full attention, Grade = A
• Ask your spouse to start over, admitting you weren’t listening at first, Grade = B
• Ask, “Can you give me a minute to finish this, so I can give you my full attention?”, Grade = B+ to a C- (depending on what you were doing and how quickly you finish)
• Pretend to listen while you continue what you were doing, Grade = D
• Complain, saying something like, “Blah, blah, blah, why do you have to talk all the time?”, Grade = F

Slow to speak – I value you and want to think before I speak, speaking the truth in love, and not saying things that are false, confusing, or hurtful.

If you are speaking while your spouse is still speaking, that isn’t slow enough.  Couples sometimes get in an argument where they are both speaking at the same time, thinking that whoever talks fastest, loudest, or longest wins.

If you get defensive you need to slow down and do more listening.

Slow to become angry – I value you and will take the time to understand you rather than overreact to what I thought I heard or what I’m still mad about from yesterday, last week, or last year.

If you give the benefit of the doubt, waiting until you fully understand a situation before you react, you will be slow to anger.

If you overreact to something, it is very likely because you have past hurts that you haven’t gotten over.  If you have a 10-pound reaction to a 4-ounce hurt, you are mostly reacting to other things you haven’t gotten over.  Today’s little offense is just a reminder of whatever is still bothering you.  The Bible strongly and repeatedly teaches us to forgive those who have hurt us.

We need to communicate with our spouse every day.  We might as well get good at it.